Don't see me!

Discovering that I was trans was good for me, in the long run. I'm certain of that. But in the short run, it's actually made my mental health worse. Why? Because before I lived in a state of ignorance. And in many ways, ignorance IS bliss. Yes, I very often had a feeling of malaise.. Of something not being RIGHT.. of being a square peg in a round hole. I've struggled with depression and anxiety.. But because that was my normal state of being, I acclimatized. I got used to it. It's incredible what your body and mind can learn to live with. 

Now, though.. The more I learn, and think, and read, and write about my own gender identity, the more AWARE I'm becoming. It's like I've lived with a missing limb my entire life, but I didn't know that I was supposed to have a limb there.. So I wasn't aware of the constant pain and discomfort, until I learned I was supposed to have another limb. And now all I can think about is that missing limb. And it HURTS. 

I thought I knew how social dysphoria felt like, back in October... Back when I actually had to search and ponder to find it.. Oh, my sweet summer child.. You knew nothing of what was to come. 

When I'm home, alone, I can still mostly ignore it. Focus only on the aspects of my body I like, ignore the rest. But when I'm out and about, it becomes impossible: I know people around me read me as a woman, and it gives me so much dysphoria. Feels like my skin all over my body is itching. I feel their gaze almost like a physical sensation. And it's EVERYONE! Store clerks, servers in restaurants, other customers at the grocery store.. EVERYONE. And I can't do anything about it. I can't harass every person who sees me, and insist they view me differently. They ALL see me and unconsciously place me in the "woman" box and it makes me feel sick. I want to hide, or puke, or scream. I just want to NOT be seen, because when I'm seen they see a woman.

I would MUCH rather be seen as a man than as a woman, even though I don't actually identify fully as a man either. I imagine it would hurt less.

Talking to Saint about this tonight, and he said it sounded a lot like really bad social anxiety. I've never had social anxiety before, or at least never anything resembling that.. But it makes sense. Because what gives me such discomfort is other people's unconscious interpretation of my gender. If there's no people, there's less dysphoria.

"Why put so much stock into how people see you?", you might ask.. Well, the Gender Dysphoria Bible has described it better than I ever could: "Social Dysphoria is about how the outside world perceives you, how others address you, and how you are expected to address them. "

"It’s like nails on a chalkboard, or steel wool across skin. Hearing the wrong pronoun is a reminder that the person you are talking to does not recognize you for the gender that you are."

"Some physical traits which may cause discomfort all the time for some trans people may only manifest as a social dysphoria for others. For example, some people may only be self conscious about their physical appearance when it causes them to be misgendered or clocked (read as being trans), "

Basically, what would be annoying to a cis person can really HURT a trans person. And while I can't do much about it yet, at least I take comfort in knowing that other trans people have felt in a similar way.