Breaking gender norms was only for Other People - or so I thought

I've always been SUPER fascinated by people who break gender norms. 

For example a lesbian colleague of mine when I worked as a teacher. I think I was around 25 years old. For our Christmas party, I wore a dress. Obviously. But she.. She wore men's pants, a men's shirt and a knitted vest, with a bow-tie. She also dressed very butch in our daily life at work. She looked great, but obviously stood out among the rest of the women on staff. And I was super fascinated. I felt drawn towards her. 

Was it a crush? I don't think so.. Maybe a hint of sexual attraction, but most of all just a deep fascination. She was different. She didn't conform. 

I have another lesbian friend (B), who cut her hair short many years ago. She looked great, and I felt what I now realize is envy. But it just didn't occur to me back then that I COULD cut my hair short. I think I was afraid of how it would look, afraid of what People would think. 

I've always been different.. Different in the way I think, in the way I speak, in the way I act. No matter how much practice I get, I will always stand out and I can't really do anything about it. However, I've always TRIED to conform. Growing up in a rural place, that's what you did. Even though dresses, makeup and other feminine things made me feel super awkward, I still did what I felt I "had to". And when I chose not to wear makeup, for example, I felt I had to defend that choice vehemently. Because I knew I was breaking the "rules". It made me feel bad. I don't like breaking rules.

I felt like lesbians could break those rules, BECAUSE they were lesbians. I felt envy towards them, because I wanted to break the mold of "woman" too and couldn't. Because I was primarily attracted to men. It made me wish I was a lesbian, so I could dress more like a man.

I don't think I really realized that it was POSSIBLE for me to do differently. It wasn't a question of wanting or not wanting.. I thought I was a (mainly) heterosexual woman, and I felt I had to play the hand that I had been dealt. I didn't think it was POSSIBLE for me to break out of that mold.

I've also known a lot of amab people through the years who enjoy feminine stereotypes and feminine clothing (Tight is an excellent example, but there's many more). Some are trans women, some are non-binary or genderfluid, and some just enjoy cross-dressing and/or gender-bending for whatever reason. I felt drawn to them, but at the same time repulsed by them. And I think I've realized what those negative emotions really were: "They already have this masculine appearance, why would they "waste" it by dressing and behaving in a more feminine way?!?" It's pretty obvious to me, in hind sight, where those feelings are coming from. 

I've also felt envious towards trans people. Just like with lesbians, they got to defy gender norms and live how they wanted to live. I wanted that, but didn't think I could. 

In short: People who dare to step outside of the mold, to defy gender norms and do their own thing, are fascinating. I didn't think I could ever join them. I don't know if that's an autistic trait, this need in me to follow the rules.. Or if I'm just really slow when it comes to self discovery and realization.. But at least I'm finally on my way to living as a more authentic version of myself. That makes me happy.