Too much on my plate

I thought I was getting better. 

However, three one-hour consultations with a rehabilitation program (spread out over two days) proved me wrong. The consultations were to assess whether I should/could participate in the rehabilitation program. One hour each with a coordinator, a nutritionist and one other consultant. 

I started out being super motivated, but each of them asked me to reconsider if this was something I wanted to start (without having compared notes first, I must add). Because with my transition, combined with mental health issues and a partner who isn't well, I really have a lot on my plate already. And after the third consultation of me explaining mostly the same stuff, and their advice going in mostly the same direction, I've come to realize that they're right. I really do have enough going on right now... 

I'm in the process of changing my gender expression. I'll be starting testosterone soon. I've recently changed my name. This is a big deal. There's a limit to how much it's healthy to change all at once. This is already taking quite a toll. 

I've also realized why I've never really felt personally interested in looking slim or fit,. I knew from an intellectual standpoint that I SHOULD feel that way.. But I didn't. Why? I think it's because my body was feminine, and I was trying to distance myself from it. Now that a more masculine appearance feels within reach, I'm feeling more motivated to try to build more muscles and generally look better. (Not that I've actually started working out, mind you. An increase from 0% to 10% motivation is still a significant increase, even if it doesn't mean much real change.)

The dysphoria is slowly growing worse too, as I get more aware of it. I've started to avoid looking at my own face in the mirror. I've started disliking selfies. I feel exhausted much of the time. Especially talking about myself with strangers his very, very taxing.