In my previous post, I wrote that I've had lots of sex with strap-ons lately and that I've ordered my very first skin-colored dildos. I have several other dildos, but they're either pink, purple or rainbow colored.
A couple of months ago, I bought a double-dildo ("strapless strap-on") which gave me the opportunity to grasp a shaft while feeling penetrated. Las week, I bought my very first dildo with "balls". I've never seen the point before, they're completely useless after all.. But it as a color I liked, a material I liked, and a size I wanted, so...
Anyway, I've always found flesh-colored, realistic dildos to be creepy and disgusting. The veins, the head, the balls, the texture.. Those details serves no real function when having sex with it, and it isn't really equipped with nerve ending so.. Yeah. Not only useless, but a gross facsimile, a parody, of a human body part.
I tried on a real packer in a real packing harness the other day. The packer was Cord's Mr. Limpy, which is both too big to be realistic and also the texture is VERY off-putting. Sort of like velvet, in a bad way. I wanted to yeet it across the room and torch it with a flame thrower.... But at the same time, wearing it, touching it, groping it, turned me on. And that was so, so, so confusing because I actively HATED the feeling of it my hands.. But when I couldn't see it or feel the texture directly (like through clothing), it was.. really, really hot. I didn't dare explore those feelings further, as my feelings of disgust won out. And I haven't really dared to talk about the positive feelings I got wearing a packer, because it felt... Shameful, somehow. Which is silly, but yeah.. Feelings often are.
The other day, I got into a very heated argument with a good friend about this whole dildo thing. I said that I find the flesh colored ones creepy, as a strong personal preference, and he got really hurt. Because not only does he like flesh colored dildos, but he's got a penis prosthetic to alleviate bottom dysphoria which is also realistic in appearance. It very much feels like a part of him, and he got upset that I was expressing such strong disgust over a part of his body. I argued that, while I don't wish to hurt him, having personal preferences should be allowed. However, we couldn't seem to agree, both were tired, and I had a really hard time understanding what he meant. So I bought up this topic in a large international transmasc server on Discord, to get more input.
(The consensus was that while having preferences, and stating preferences, is ok.. Using such loaded language as "creepy" isn't ok. So I basically have to learn to think before I speak, something people have been trying to teach me since I was in kindergarten.. But that isn't the point.)
During that Discord conversation someone mentioned that when they had such strong negative feelings about something, that typically meant there was something there they weren't dealing with. Usually strong feelings of dysphoria that was being ignored/suppressed, or some sort of trauma that hadn't been dealt with. At least one other person confirmed that this was the case for them too. Very strong negative feelings were a sign there was SOMETHING there that should be examined further.
Like I typically do when confronted with uncomfortable truths about myself, I completely rejected this idea at first. However, it's kept "simmering" in the back of my mind...
Cord has a couple of skin-colored realistic dildos that he enjoys, so I've used one of them on him a couple of times. They creep me out a bit, but not so bad I can't ignore it / push that feeling aside. Him enjoying himself is more important. However, yesterday and today something weird happened, and I'm still not done working through my emotions..
Yesterday, he was looking at me as I was strapping on one of his dildos. He didn't have his glasses on, and said that because everything is a bit blurry, it looked sort of real on me. It made me both sort of giggly, horny and wildly uncomfortable at the same time.
Then again today, I used his dildo in the strap-on again. As I was rolling on a condom and putting lube on it, my hand naturally fell into a "stroking a dick" kind of motion.. Because honestly, how else would you spread out the lube on a dildo that is strapped to your crotch? And again, I got this mixed feeling of horniness, happiness and discomfort. However, today the discomfort was somewhat less. Enough so that I'm able to write this today, try to bring it into the light, analyze it, deal with it.. I've been putting it off for hours, but I can't keep doing that, so..
What does it all mean?
It means that my previous statement of "I don't have bottom dysphoria" isn't really true. Or at least, that using realistic dildos give me a strong sense of gender euphoria, but ALSO triggers a lot of feelings of shame and disgust. I think there might be dysphoria buried underneath all that somewhere, but I can't be certain until I do some more digging. Right now, the idea of wearing a realistic looking strap-on, ESPECIALLY the idea of stroking it and "jerking off" turns me on something fierce. I also feel really, really silly even entertaining this idea, since I won't actually feel any it.. But learning (from a youtube review of all things!) that this desire to "jerk off" a realistic looking dildo isn't totally uncommon.. That has helped me admit this to myself.
I still love my vagina, still love getting fucked, it's just... I want a dick too (apparently).
So yeah. Hi. I keep discovering new things about my gender, sexuality and all the things in between.. It feels like I'm being pulled kicking and screaming through whole process, my mind fighting every single development like crazy.. But I get there eventually. That's what happened with gender, and that's apparently what's happening here too. I don't want to admit the hard and uncomfortable truths, but eventually they can no longer be denied. I don't just love other people's dicks.. Now apparently, I want my own.
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