Adulting is hard

Elle and I agreed to "de-escalate" our relationship in early January. We were supposed to meet up a few times per month still, supposed to keep playing and having sex and caring for one another... That's what we agreed. But we haven't. 

We've met once since then, where I told her I needed more time apart. I wasn't ready to start seeing her again, I was still grieving over us, over what we never would be. Then weeks past. Several weeks.

All my free time lately has been spent with Novice. They're all I think about. I wondered if that NRE was getting in the way of my interest for Elle, or if I genuinely didn't want to be with her anymore. I still have feelings for her, love her even, but we weren't good for each other. Not as full time partners, at least. I didn't want that again, but couldn't figure out what it was I wanted in stead.

In the end, I realized that keeping her at arms length, but not letting her go, wasn't fair. It wasn't adult, responsible behavior. If I'd wanted to be with her, I would have known. So tonight I did the adult, responsible thing: I let her go. Ended it. We're done.

We consider ourselves "friends with benefits" now, but I won't be able to hook up with her in quite some time. I need my feelings for her to die down first. 

I think she's gorgeous and amazing, and letting her go really sucks. Even when, perhaps especially when, I know it was the right thing to do. It was right, but it sucks. 

Adulting is hard.