Blow me

Novice went down on me, gave me oral sex, for the first time last night. They're just as amazingly skilled with their tongue as with their fingers, so sensation-wise it was a wonderful experience. Angst-wise, I was really stressed out before starting, and a broken, angstfilled, exhausted mess afterwards. 

It's weird. Lots of people have gone down on me. It usually doesn't bother me, and typically feels pleasant. Nice. I think the fact that Novice' mouth felt so incredible, actually made it more difficult for me to handle. I struggle receiving pleasure to begin with, I feel selfish. Bad. I also worry they're just doing it for my sake, worry they don't enjoy themselves etc. On top of all that comes bottom dysphoria I usually try to ignore... But it becomes almost impossible to ignore when their face is RIGHT THERE. Don't think I've ever been THAT present during oral before, and that wasn't really a pleasant experience. 

I want more, though. Their mouth felt really, really good, and it's something I want to learn how to enjoy more of. There's also lots of potential for fun switching there... Doing 69, playing a distraction game.. Or tying my wrists down, forcing me to just lie there and take it... Or tying them down and using their face as a grinding toy.. Lots of fun potential, and I want it all.

I can't just decide not to get angsty.. But I can practice, I can basically do exposure therapy, until the bad recides and the pleasure dominates the experience. I want that. I want their mouth. 

I want to make them blow me.