Did I know what I'd look like?

I'm thinking about transition. Did I have a clear idea, before starting testosterone or getting top surgery, where I would end up? What my gender presentation would be, how I'd look? Did I have some sort of goal?

No. 

I just knew some things hurt, really HURT, and I wanted to get away from it. And some things, like wearing a man's shirt, felt good.... Because it didn't hurt. I'm not even sure if euphoria is really it's own thing, or if it's just the relief when the hurt goes away for a bit...

So I knew what I wanted to escape from.. But just like someone who's grown up with an abusive family, I had no idea what my life WITHOUT that hurt would feel like. Hurting was normal to me, anything else was almost inconceivable.

Looking at myself in the mirror now, I feel... Unbelievable. And not as a turn of phrase, but actually "like something I can't quite belive in". I'm so far away now, from anything I could possibly envision, it's hard to grasp.

I've had these periods of unrealness before as well, especially the first few months on testosterone. I know it's a result of my body changing faster than my mental image of myself. However, this time it doesn't feel jarring or unpleasant, not even a little. In stead, it feels like a really happy dream. And I'm afraid I'll wake from it.