My girlfriend

I can FINALLY talk about it: I have a girlfriend. 

Not a new person in my life. Not at all. Novice is my girlfriend. We've been together for almost a year now. She's a trans woman, and I couldn't write that here because she wasn't out to everyone yet. I've had to misgender her on this blog for the past year, using they/them pronouns for her. Now she's out, so I can finally be truthful about her here as well.

I'm so happy for her. I know how difficult it is to be deadnamed and misgendered all the time. How much of a relief it is to finally hear your own name, to dress in your own clothes, and to hear the proper pronouns. I'm also super proud of her. She's had a much longer and harder road than I had, and she's made it through. 

I'm also really happy for me, because now I don't have to keep misgendering her to everyone. It's really, really stressful for me, to keep secrets like this from everyone. I kept worrying I'd slip up, by accident. So her coming out now is a big relief to me as well. 

Most of all, I just love her.

Her body has changed a lot since starting estrogen, and I love it. I was attracted to her before too, but now... Damn! Her breasts, especially, are triggering Feelings in me I didn't know I could have. I hated my own, to the point where I needed to have them removed.. But touching hers, grabbing them, or just simply holding them.. It bypasses any logical thought or conscious feeling, and runs a lighting rod straight to my groin. 

"So, I guess I might like women..." has become a running gag with us, and for a good reason. I still struggle to truly, emotionally accept that I'm into women. It's been two years now, since my queer awakening, but still.. It feels dangerous. Forbidden. Scary. Sometimes I just sit next to her on the couch and marvel at her face, so feminine and beautiful. I can't quite believe that this gorgeous woman is my girlfriend. That I get to cuddle up with her several days per week. That she seems to want to be with me too. I'm scared, but also happy. There's a lot of feelings, all jumbled together. Mostly, though, there's love.

It's been a bumpy road, I won't deny it. We still struggle sometimes; we misunderstand each other or get stuck in a communicative rut. But it's worth it, at least to me. I love her, both her mind and her body. I'm so grateful, so happy, that she wants to be with me. My girlfriend. My love. Novice.