I'm autistic

Yesterday, I was officially given the diagnosis that I've long suspected could be mine: Autism. 

I tried getting diagnosed through the public health care system, but they just denied me. Repeatedly. And whilst self-diagnosis is valid, it doesn't (unfortunately) carry the weight of an official diagnosis. So I had to go privately, getting a full test done from a private neuro-psychologist. 

We spent half a day talking, half a day taking various tests (for IQ, working memory, executive function, concentration etc). Then another hour, at another appointment, doing some mental health screenings. In the end, she told me what I already knew: I'm autistic. 

The primary feeling is that of relief. I've known this for a few years, but getting it verified from a professional carries much more weight. I feel like I'm "allowed" to struggle now. That I have a proper reason, other than low willpower or laziness. My struggles feel... Justified. 

She also told me that she'd expect me to have 80% work capacity, given optimal circumstances and nothing else that "steals" from my capacity. But I have kids. And I'm trans, suffer from gender dysphoria. Those two factors obviously reduce my capacity. In addition, I have a job where I'm expected to attend meetings, talk to people all day, and generally be social. That's exactly the opposite of the sort of job the specialist thinks of as "optimal" for me. And I agree. 

An optimal job for me would be one where I could work mostly by myself, in my own little office. Where I could control the lights, where I could control the noise level (and kind of noise), and most importantly: Where I didn't have to talk to people much. Where the work was intellectually challenging and interesting, but familiar and predictable. Where I knew the other people, where I knew and trusted my boss, and where I could work from home some days per week. Anything other than this, would steal capacity from me. Make my real ability to work even less than 80%.

Up until now, I've worked in a people-oriented job. I've not only attended a lot of meetings and phone calls, I've also forced myself to be social with my co-workers. Coffee breaks, lunch breaks, never a moment alone to just.. Breathe. I've worked in an open office-space, with people all around. I COULD borrow an office, but we have an "empty desk"-policy and many people want to use those offices. So I can never feel safe there, it can never be truly mine.

It's only logical that having forced myself to work 100% under those conditions, I'd fail again and again and again. Struggle with mental health problems again, and again. To hear her say that I shouldn't expect myself to function in a full-time job felt like a blessing. A permission to just.. Exist. Breathe. Not perform all the time. Not try to be more than I am. 

I'm so relieved to have been given this diagnosis. I'm so happy to be able to call myself, officially, autistic.