Birthday hang-over

I had an anxiety attack earlier today. It came on the tail-end of a misunderstanding / fight with Novice, combined with Saint trying to change the plans that have been made for the Christmas dinner. I'm already really stressed out over Christmas, and I have a job meeting on Wednesday that I'm really nervous about, and I'm generally anxious about not being good enough for Novice... And so I just collapsed. Uncontrolable sobbing and hyper-ventilating. Not pleasant, for either of us. 

Afterwards, I feel numb. Like a big hot-air balloon with too little air in it; Trying to stay up, but only managing a pitiful hobble. I'm able to pull myself together, to some degree, when something needs to be Done or Handled. But as soon as the Thing is out of the way, I fall down again. Wallowing sideways.

I've described this before as being emotionally hung-over. I've had too many big feelings, more than I was able to handle, and got drunk. Now I'm hung-over. That means mostly I'm just numb. Like a fog, made of foam-rubber, padding my brain. But there are some feelings there: I'm at the same time incredibly sad, and also have the shortest fuse ever. Both of those feelings are fueled by an intense self-hatred.

I can logically see that not everything that happened was my fault, or at least that I didn't do anything bad on purpose... But that logic might as well have been on a different planet, it feels incredibly distant from what I emotionally feel to be true.

I turned 38 years old today. Not the best birthday I've had, to put it mildly. So horray for me, I guess, and anxiety sucks.