Novice and I don't really have an active sex life. It started declining this spring, and has been in a gradual downwards spiral since. We also don't play much, BDSM wise.
I remember vividly talking with her about her reluctance to touch me back in July, for example. We have had penetrative sex two or three times since my top surgery in mid September, and have done other sexual things (like cuddling while I make myself come) around half a dozen times. She's extremely hesitant to let me touch her in any way that could be considered sexual, and doesn't touch me in a sexual way at all anymore. We very rarely even kiss.
This used to bother me a lot. I've been in sexless relationships before, T and I were sexless for many years before we broke up. And the sex life of Saint and I is also dead by now. It's possible for a relationship to survive for many years without sex, but it's very far from what I'd prefer. I'm closer to the hypersexual end of the spectrum, I prefer to have a lot of sex. Several times per week would be minimum, if it was just up to me. If I had time, and no other demands on my energy, I would probably want to have sex close to daily.
Of course I can take care of my own need for orgasms, and I do. It's not like I would die without someone else fucking me. But I like sex; I enjoy the intimacy, the connection, the intensity, the giving and receiving of pleasure, the sensations... Sex is nice.
When my partner doesn't want to have sex with me, I feel undesirable. They don't find me attractive, I'm not sexy enough.. But also generally: I'm not good enough. We typically HAD an active sex life the first few months we were together, and then it disappeared. So obviously, they got to know me better and their desire for me went away. I'm just THAT despicable.
This same thought pattern has been running through my head, ever since Novice stopped wanting to have sex with me. I've tried blaming it on the anti-androgens she's on, or the stress she's under, and sure that can explain some of it. But it couldn't be the whole truth, that just didn't make sense to me. I didn't have any other explanation for it, so the problem had to be me.
Then a couple of days ago, it all got turned on its head: We came to a realization that it's ALL dysphoria. Every single time Novice gets turned on, she gets an erection. And every single time she gets an erection, she gets dysphoric as hell. Dysphoria isn't sexy. It doesn't make you want to do more of the stuff that made you dysphoric. On the contrary, dysphoria is absolutely horrible. If the dysphoria gets bad enough, it can make people want to harm themselves, or worse.
Now, she isn't as able to withstand or ignore that dysphoria as much when she's stressed out or tired. So those factors still apply, just more indirectly. We might for example get some tiny drips of sexual contact, if she gets enough sleep. But mostly, I think the dysphoria is to blame. And for me, that changes everything.
Maybe I'm not so despicable? Maybe I'm not completely undesirable. Maybe, on the contrary, touching me and being touched by me, turns her on. She shies away from me, not because she DOENS'T desire me... But because she DOES desire me. Because she gets turned on by me and the things I can do to her. Dysphoria gradually gets worse as you crawl out of the trans egg. You start to really acknowledge all the stuff you've repressed before, and that brings the dysphoria to the forefront. This explains why we had an active sex life at first, but it gradually went in decline.
So it's not about me, in a negative sense. It's not that I'm not good enough. On the contrary, it's sort of a compliment: She wants me. She desires me so much, that it becomes unbearable for her. That turns everything on it's head for me.
Of course I still want sex. This doesn't change my desires. But the lack of sex is so much easier to handle, when it doesn't come with a huge helping of self-hatred and shame. I love her. I love that she desires me, I love knowing that I turn her on. It's all about perspective.
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