Last night we had a video call. He prefers those to messages or regular phone calls, because he likes being able to see my facial expressions. We talked about all kinds of things, from mundane everyday stuff to much heavier mentally challenging topics.
For example, we talked about our uncertainties in this relationship. I feel confident that he wants what I have to offer, but I worry a lot that he doesn't really care about ME. That I just serve a function. He, on the other hand, claims he doesn't have much value or worth at all. So he can't even belive that I want what he's giving me. He stryggles a lot with accepting that I do want to spend time with him, that I appreciate all that he is.
So I made a list of 10 things I love about him, 10 reasons why I'm attracted to him.
1. He's intelligent, knowledgeable. We can talk about practically everything. I love his mind.
2. He's kind, compassinate, helpful. I trust that he would never intend to do me harm.
At this point he was freaking out, so I had to introduce some easier topics..
3. His dick. I love having it in my mouth, love tasting and smelling it, love being fucked with it. He's JUST a bit too big for me, which is actually a great fit (as long as we take things slow).
4. He's really handsome. Sexy. I love looking at his body, touching it. I love how much taller he is than me.
The order might not be exactly right, but I think I remember most of the points I mentioned.. And anyway, all of these are true too.
5. Because he "gets" me. He can read my body language, he accepts all my quirks, we communicate really well. We have intense, lovely, honest conversations.
6. He's a geek. We have many of the same references, interests, we know what it's like to be outside the norm.
7. His hands. He's really good with his hands. Good in bed, in general, but really good with his hands.
8. Because he's available, however brutal that sounds. He wants to spend time with me, wants to travel to see me.
9. He's curious, and willing and able to learn. He's good in bed already, but there's also a lot he doesn't know. He's able to take instructions, eager to please me, wanting to learn more.
And maybe the most important, and the only one he can't really "disproove" in any way:
10. Because I love him. It's not logical. It just is.
He freaks out a bit over that. He feels it's unfair, because he doesn't love me back. He feels I deserve more, somehow. He's also unsure how to handle it, because our society has taught us that love MUST be reciprocated, that love DEMANDS moving up the relationship escalator... And I don't expect any of those things.
I've blogged about it before as well. I fall in love easily. I've been in love with Arthur for many years, on and off. And each time we met it made my feelings stronger and more long lasting, until it went from "in love" to "love". I just didn't dare to tell him before, because I didn't think he could handle it. (He almost couldn't handle it now, so I guess THAT worry was well founded..)
I don't often quote the Bible, but 1 Corinthian fits well here: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,"
I love without expectations, without demands, without trying to claim or own the one I love. It would have been nice, of course, REALLY nice, if he loved me back. I will admit as much. And yes, I hope he will love me back one day. And yeah, there is an unevenness there, he's right about that... But it doesn't bother me much. He cares about me, he wants to spend time with me, and that's enough. I'll take what I can get from him.
Also, I want to continue exactly as we are. I don't want anything more serious or involved, my daily life is way too full for that. This relationship escalator isn't moving, and that fits me just perfectly.
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