Even when alone

Last post was a bit of a paradox. I started out claiming that I no longer doubted if I was trans, and ended by wondering if I might just be brainwashing myself into this... So yeah, I obviously still have doubts. 

I took my pondering (basically a copy/paste of that "what if I'm brainwashing myself"- paragraph) to three different trans-related Discord servers (one international for all transpeople, one for all Scandinavian transpeople, and one international for transmasc only). Luckily, all three places took me seriously. They didn't laugh, and more importantly they didn't get offended or defensive about it. Several said they'd experienced similar thoughts, and all of them gave good and thoughtful advice. (Giving me more faith in humanity, to be honest. There's a lot of decent people out there.)

I got several good arguments for why this was nothing like a cult or flat-earthers or similar. The two that stuck most with me were: 

1. There's no trans agenda. The people I talk with online, don't gain anything from me being trans. They have no interest in "converting" me, or anyone else. 

2. Even when alone (especially when alone), not talking to anyone and not seen by anyone, I feel trans. I get these sudden revelations of "oh, so THAT'S why...!", or I get bursts of gender euphoria from wearing masculine clothing or trying out a particular Snapchat filter. No one is doing that TO me, no one is seeing me or interacting with me. It doesn't gain me anything, I can't even use it to gain any significant amount of social standing. 

In addition, if I try to ignore it.. It won't go away. I'll keep having a vague feeling of something being "off". Something slightly wrong. I've ignored that feeling for years and years, I could easily continue to ignore it.. After all, the familiar is a lot less scary than the unknown, and I've lived in oblivion for over 35 years.. However, these bursts of euphoria give me hope that the unknown... It might be better than the known. It's like bursts of light in a dark cave... A huge change, but hopefully a good one.