I've been interested in him from the start.. Partially, I think because he's also trans. I feel like we have a lot in common simply based on that. In addition, he's kind, funny, intelligent and interesting. I enjoy talking with him, and whatever else happens (or doesn't happen), I hope we can be friends.
Last night, we were supposed to go to an event with other trans people. The event got canceled last minute, and I convinced Cord to let me come over to his place in stead. Supposedly just to talk and get to know one another, but I always had hope that we'd do something more than that.
We spent about four hours talking and gently flirting. I was extremely forward with him, letting him know I was interested in him... And he never blatantly rejected me... However, there was no enthusiastic consent either. He'd laugh, blush, talk about something else or just squirm uncomfortably.
He also told me that he suspects he might be demi-sexual, in that he doesn't get sexually interested in someone without knowing them really well first. He's previously said that cuddling, which was my goal, is something he doesn't do with people without trusting them a lot and knowing them really well. He also expressed a strong dislike for unexpected changes, and was clear he doesn't want to be touched (even in non-sexual ways) without having clearly consented first.
All of this made me very hesitant to push forward with him. I knew I didn't have his trust yet, and I let him take his time. This was our first real life meeting, after all. Like I said, I wanted to be friends with him in any case, and worried more about breaking his trust and loosing that budding friendship than anything else.
So imagine my surprise when he told me, 20 minutes before I had to leave, that I could have asked to kiss him hours ago. And he would have let me. He seemed surprised and somewhat amused at how slow I'd taken things. I was flabbergasted.
So we kissed, obviously. And talked more directly about pleasure. And that was really nice.. But it left me stunned.
Because EITHER he was just giving in, letting me "get my way" when he didn't really want to... Which I don't think, because it doesn't fit with what I know of his personality.. And I really hope this wasn't the case, because I want real, enthusiastic consent.
OR he was really a lot more interested in me than he first seemed, and purposefully held back because he enjoyed watching me flop around and make a fool of myself.. Laughing inside. Which makes me sad to consider.
OR he didn't really need a lot of time to get to know someone after all.. Didn't have those trust issues that he said he did.. Didn't really intend to come off as so skittish. Which just makes me really, really confused.
Another issue is that we probably clash spectacularly in terms of D/s. Because we're both dominant tops. I could theoretically switch, but I don't know if I'm comfortable doing that with him. After last night, I don't feel like I can read his nonverbal signals at all.
I'd love to meet him again, but I need to figure out what's up with all this.. What does HE want? I'm confused.
No comments:
Post a Comment