As I feared the other day, Cord and I have now broken up. I decided to end it. It was the right thing to do, but it still hurts. And I'm sure he's feeling really hurt too. We still love each other, after all.
It lasted just over two months. In those two months, I learned three things about myself that will be useful in future relationships:
1. Nonverbal communication is really important to me. If I can't guess at the other person's mood, thoughts and feelings, through their nonverbal signals, I don't feel comfortable. I also have a lot of difficulty of taking a verbal statement at face value, if I can't have nonverbal signals to confirm what was just said. Good nonverbal communication doesn't have to be there from the start, but it has to become established fairly soon after.
2. I need someone who WANTS me sexually. Not just to please me, not just because they enjoy that I'm enjoying myself. They have to sexually desire ME. This basically means I have to be really careful, and really clear about my needs, if I ever date someone on the ace spectrum again.
3. I need kink in my life. Vanilla sex can be fun for a while. Vanilla sex with toys and strap-ons can be a lot of fun for a while. But eventually, I need kink. I need the play with power and control and pain. It's a part of me. I'm kinky.
I'm thankful to Cord for (however inadvertently) helping me learn these things about myself. I'm also glad he introduced me to a few other trans people, and cheered me on in these early parts of my transition. I still care deeply about him, and think I'll always think very fondly of him.
No comments:
Post a Comment