Risk assessment

The way I interact with potential sex / play partners has DRASTICALLY changed in the last three months. I don't know if it's medically because of the testosterone, or if it's transition / dysphoria related.. My guess is a bit of both. 

It's particularly noticeable in the way I write classified adds. I made one back in February first, something I'd never done before.. As well as registering for Grindr and Tinder. What I wanted back then, and what I want now, isn't really that different: Sex. Physical touch. Uncomplicated, casual relations. Yet back then, I wrote in a very "womanly" way. They way I've always been socialized to think I "should" do dating and hookups: You get to know each other fairly well first, learn to trust each other, and if there's a spark there you can pursue it further. 

Though I can't just blame it on being socialized as a woman. A lot of women have one-night-stands. It's really common. I haven't done that until this year, not really. And I think that's due to (suppressed) dysphoria. Now, I've had A LOT of random play sessions at BDSM parties with people I've barely met.. But that's different. Tying someone up and spanking them, can be almost impersonal. It's not about me, it's about them. I'm mostly dressed, not being touched... Safe.

Casual sex isn't "safe" by any definition of the word. In most cases, sex involves both parties being undressed. Both parties being touched. Me. Me being undressed. Me being touched. That used to be SO hard, take SO much trust... And by all means, I still suck at being the passive party. I still suck at just lying still to accept pleasure. It's something I want to work on, but it'll take time I think.

It isn't "safe" in the sense of physical safety either. You don't know what this stranger is likely to do. Most people are decent, true.. But it only takes ONE wrong choice to get raped, beaten and possibly killed. I've blamed my choices on this aspect before.. But I'm not so sure that was the real reason... I think I used this physical risk as an excuse to avoid the stuff that felt really dangerous to me: Being touched by someone else. Being open. Receiving.

(Also: If I DO get assaulted or killed, there should be enough trails (mainly digital) to maybe find out who did it. Saint can see my phone's GPS location, including where I HAVE been at any point in time. I also usually add the name and address of who I'm meeting to my Google calendar, which is shared with Saint. So at least there's something to build on. And I've always had similar safeguards in place. So blaming my lack of one-night-stands on physical safety concerns just doesn't make sense.)

In April, I edited my classified add and my dating app profiles.. I wrote straight out that I was searching for friends with benefits. Cuddles that could turn into sex, if all parties were interested. I had two cuddle-dates in early April which were really enjoyable. 

My priorities, and my risk assessment, have shifted as the testosterone driven horniness has increased. The idea of cuddling with someone and then NOT wanting to fuck them seems absurd to me now. So yesterday, I made another classified add and edited my profiles on the dating apps. They now start out: "I just want sex, but if you're able to hold a conversation that's an added bonus." It's a lot more honest, but I couldn't have said the same back in February. It would feel too risky. I also notice that I'm a lot more direct when I flirt. I say what I want, straight out. If I get rejected: Fine. There's more fish in the sea. 

Having one-night-stands doesn't feel as risky now. It feels liberating. I've continued to hook up with the 21 year old student I met for coffee in April (we've met.. three more times, I think), and I had a one-night-stand with someone else from Grindr last night. I don't have amazing chemistry with either of them, there's no real spark, not much emotions (at least none that last for any long than the encounter itself).. And I love that. 

It's not perfect, by any means. When I'm naked and moaning, their mouth on my nipple and their fingers in my pussy, I know they see me as a woman. Who wouldn't? I don't really disappear into "girl mode" in my head, like I used to do.. But I'm not quite as present as I would like to be either. There's still significant dissociation going on, parts of my body just doesn't exist.. Maybe it'll be easier when my voice gets further down and the body hair starts coming in.. I don't know... I also wish I could wear a strap-on to these encounters... Not to use it, necessarily, but just because having a hard-on would feel.. Right.. I think. 

However, having one-night-stands itself is nice. It feels really low-stakes. To be able to take what I want, get most of my needs met, in a way that is uncomplicated and easy.. What's not to love?