I wanted to write a bit more about That List, to see if I can pin down a pattern to my sexual relations throughout my life.
"Patient zero", or rather number zero, on my list isn't technically someone I had sex with. But it's the first person I ever kissed, the first penis I ever saw in real life, and the first person I'd ever seen jerking off and coming. So although I never touched him, and he never touched me, below the belt, and he therefore doesn't get a number.. He still deserves a place on the list. (Also: He was 26. I was 15. We'd spoken online for a few weeks. This stuff happened on our second ever encounter, and we never did anything more.)
I had my real sexual debut at 16, with my boyfriend at the time. We were together for almost a year and a half, monogamously. From 17 to 19 I had a series of monogamous relationships. The shortest lasting 6 days, the longest (with X) for 10 months. Number 1-5 were vanilla. I remember loving sucking dick back then too.. And needing a vibrator on my clit to orgasm. And with the british guy (number 4), I experimented with forplay involving food and ice cubes. We even tried some anal. I know I behaved unapologetic in sexual contexts, shameless.. But I can't remember much about how I felt, how I thought.
X is number 8, and my second ever relationship playing with kink. (Number 7 was my first kink relationship. He was really a sub, who agreed to top me while we were together. That worked exactly as poorly as you'd expect.) I was 18/19 years old at the time. During my relationship with X, I also had my first threesome and had sex with a girl for the first time.
Except from War, I didn't have any sort of vanilla encounter between the years 2002 and 2022. I wonder if the trauma I suffered on the hands of X played a significant part in that. I've already figured out that him raping me, and generally abusing my trust, made me into a Dom for all effects and purposes (I'm really a switch). I wouldn't be surprised if that traumatic experience generally made it more difficult for me to relax and be receptive during sex. Kinky or otherwise. Though as I've previously mentioned, dysphoria is surely part of this too.
T, my now ex-husband, is number 9 on That list.
Numbers 10-19 all happened while I was with T, but none of them involved penis-in-vagina (piv) sex. Me and T weren't monogamous, but piv sex was something he wanted reserved for just him for many years. Among the 10-19 are four threesomes that I had with T and various women. I enjoyed the "hunt" for someone to play with / have threesomes with, but once we got started I often ended up in an auxiliary role. I now believe I put myself in that position because of (suppressed) dysphoria and/or trauma at the hands of X. I eventually grew tired of fucking women, it didn't feel rewarding enough for me. This might also be dysphoria related, as intimately interacting with a body like my own triggers dysphoria in a really bad way. But of course I didn't realize this at the time.
Number 20 is War, and he's the first person I had piv-sex with after I started dating T. Since War isn't kinky, I felt the lack of piv-sex more acutely. So I re-negotiated my agreement with T. After that, piv-sex was back on the table with subsequent partners, though typically cleared with T beforehand.
Arthur is number 22 and Saint is 23. Donald is 24, though to be fair I only fucked him in the ass. Didn't touch his dick, and he never touched me.. The Giant is number 25, Swede is 26 and Dane is 27. And then I had kids, and nothing happened for about five years, before meeting Cord. The young student and yesterday's one-night-stand rounds off the list.
So who are they all, those 30 people? The vast majority are submissives, and I only had sex with them in situations where I could control the interaction 100%. Usually, that meant putting myself aside. Only satisfying their needs, not having any focus on what I really wanted. And as I've previously established, this service topping probably had a lot to do with dysphoria. Though from this summery, I'm also thinking it's trauma related.
Damn, this self-scrutiny is unpleasant stuff....
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