Not even sure what I'm writing about yet, just felt like writing something. Usually, something comes out when I do, and there's obviously something on my mind, so here we go. Free association time:
-Having rushed sex, leaving immediately after because of time. Trust, love. Comfortable. Should be dropping, but I'm not. Pleasantly surprised. Feeling guilty anyway.
-So much time together. Worry they'll grow tired of me. Worry I'm too much. Care too much. Love too much. Want too much. Too rough, too horny, too intense.. And yet, there's that touch. There's no distance, neither emotional nor physical. Would I know, if they were just humoring me? I think so.. I hope so.
-Feel like I've known them for years, yet we've only been together 7,5 weeks. Feel like I don't know them at all, at the same time. There's so much about their life, history, family, preferences, that are unknown yet. Stuff I would have known, if I'd really known them for years. I want that familiarity. I want them, skin and bones and dreams and trauma, all of them as they are. Is THIS too much? Am I being creepy now? Would they leave me, if they knew?
-Reminded of that Eurovision song from years ago: "A monster like me". Not my choice though. I can't choose FOR someone else. They say they want me. At some point, you just have to choose to trust. To fall. And I've fallen for them. It was impossible to do anything else.
-Their fingers are magical. I've never been touched like that by anyone. The things they can do to my clit, I didn't think were possible. I love it, every second of it, and yet it's SO hard. (Ah, there we are. This is the topic my mind was struggling with. Here we go: )
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Actively receiving pleasure from someone else is almost impossible for me, because my mind keeps trying to dissociate. It's so hard to stay present, anchored in my own body, in the sensations, in the pleasure. My mind wants to escape, to hide. Yet when I do, the pleasure is a lot less intense.
I'm getting better though, managing to stay present for longer. Letting it build more, enduring more intense touch over time. Having my clit played like that is the best possible motivation. This is good, old-fashioned conditioning; Stay present and receive pleasure. Dissociate, and the pleasure is greatly diminished. They don't even have to do anything in particular to enforce this, it happens spontaneously.
I greatly desire to keep doing this, pushing at this fear, this block in my mind. Not just because the pleasure itself is wonderful (although it is), but because receiving pleasure for me is bottoming. Closely related to submission. I don't want to do that everyday "yes ma'am, no ma'am, may I put my collar on please ma'am" sort of submission. Not at all, not as a sub. It feels utterly pointless for me at this time (might change in the future, who knows).
But I want the sexual submission. Because it's so difficult for me to receive pleasure, I want to be MADE to receive pleasure. Forced (consensually, obviously!). My choices removed (or at least, the illusion of choices removed), I hope will give me more freedom to just.. Be. To enjoy.
I've been having fantasies about forced orgasms, orgasm torture, post-orgasm torture (over-stimulation), fucking machines, wands etc. for... How many years? Close to 20, I think. With bondage as an obvious part of it all.
It's not easy for others to make me cum... However, I dream about someone taking the time and energy to learn how to. To basically go "you might not cum from this, but damn if I'm not going to do everything in my power to give you pleasure.. and you won't be able to stop me.". I want someone to not stop, when I beg them to. To cuff my wrists, force my legs apart, and keep giving me pleasure... Varying in intensity and placement a bit, obviously.. Or I'll just grow numb. But keep doing it, regardless of how "too much" or "too intense" it might be for me.
This is all a fantasy, though, which at this point isn't really possible in real life. Because it doesn't matter if my body is physically unable to escape, if my mind just dissociates and escapes that way. So what I need is practice. Practice receiving pleasure, without my mind drifting away. Practice staying present, staying in my body, feeling all the feelings.
I have no idea if Novice will ever be able to do the things to me that I dream about. I hope there's a pleasure dom(me) in there somewhere, but I don't know for certain. What I'm pretty certain of, though, is that they don't seem to mind letting me practice.. And hot damn, those fingers!
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