When a conflict is unresolved, when there's tension between me and someone I love, my instinct is to seek connection. To seek understanding. To touch, to talk, to hold and be held. To show love, and be loved in return. I feel there's no issue too large for us, if we can only face it together.
Other people don't process hurt or conflict in the same way. They need distance. Their instinct is to go away, to hide, to lick their wounds in peace. To only come back together once the tension, for them, is mostly gone. Saint is like this. So is Novice. (I sure know how to pick them, apparently.)
The problem, for me, is when these two instincts collide. We've spoken about this before, and usually, we strive towards a compromise; I can't get as much touch, connection and togetherness as I really need, but I can get enough to ground me. Enough to make me feel safe, loved. And THEN they can get the space they need. I still find this difficult, all compromises are, but it's bearable. Hopefully, it's bearable for all parties involved.
Compromises only work, however, when both parties are willing. If the other person withdraws from me, doesn't communicate, doesn't answer my messages, doesn't talk when we're together... Then I don't get any of my needs met, and yet they get all of theirs. And I sure as hell hope it's worth it for them, because it feels like torture for me.
To be clear: I don't think they intend to torture me (although now that I think about it, if someone's mad enough at me, I guess punishing me in this way would be really, really effective). I don't believe in any nefarious motives here. I think they're short on sleep, depressed, stressed out, and struggling with all kinds of negative emotions. They're taking care of themself the only way they know how. Which of course they should.
However, regardless of intent, the outcome isn't pleasant: I started today feeling dysregulated and worried, but 30-60 minutes conversation and lots of hugs could have... If not fixed it, then at least made me a whole lot more stable. It would have given me hope, made me feel more... Whole. (This started out as a tiny thing, it shouldn't be permitted to fuck up two whole days.)
I didn't get that hour I needed, though. In stead, I'm left adrift. Alone. The longer I'm left adrift, the more worried and dysregulated I become. I can feel myself spiraling down, getting more anxious. More guilt, more fear, more sorrow, more... Broken. Feeling like I can't trust anyone, right now. Not myself, and not anyone else. Crying, heart beating like I'm running on a treadmill.
If I could step out of this shit, I would. Take a deep breath and push it away, leave this spiral. It's not like this is a pleasant sensation, it's not like I'm choosing this. If I could stop it, react differently, have different needs, I absolutely would. I can't, though.
And so I write. This is post number three today. It doesn't help, not really, but it sort of... Slows the spiral a bit. Makes me process, observe what's happening, in stead of just being aimlessly pulled down. It doesn't get better, though. This spiral only goes one way.
And when we do get back together again.. When we do get a chance to talk... You bet I'll apologize.
It doesn't matter if fighting is a team effort, it doesn't matter if we as a couple could benefit on us both working on our communication skills, it doesn't matter if some blame could be placed on circumstances or elsewhere. None of those things matter. By the time we get together again, I'll have been spiraling in a void for at least a day, maybe close to two. I'll be hurting so bad, I'll do ANYTHING, say ANYTHING to make this stop hurting. Not dishonestly, I still don't lie... But I obviously won't be able to hold my own very well, when I've been in an angstfilled void for two days.
So I hope this distance is worth it. I hope they find stability, and hope, and joy, and good sleep, and peace. I want them to be ok, I want them to be happy.
I hope they're doing proportionally as good, as I am doing bad. There's no way this math checks out otherwise.
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