Like a hand in a well-worn glove

With Elle no longer being given almost half my week, my schedule has opened up a lot. That's benefited Novice. I practically live with them now, all the time I'm not at home. In fact, we jokingly started calling their apartment my "home" too, and while I know this is the NRE / crush / raging love hormones talking, I still enjoy it. It feels right. Surprisingly right. 

Where my relationship with Elle was a tumultuous, raging hot, explosive bonfire, my relationship with Novice is like a fireplace; The bonfire might be more exciting at first glance, and it will certainly catch your attention, but I know which one I prefer to have inside my living room...!

From the very first time I visited Novice in their apartment, we've felt... Similar. Connected. There's a strong sense of us simply fitting together, like a hand in a well worn glove. It surprised us both. This relationship feels to easy!

Novice is a geeky, bookish academic in their 30ies, only 5 years my junior. They're primarily a sub and masochist, which is something I sure enjoy, but they also seem curious about switching (at least to some degree). They feel like very familiar territory, both in terms of interests and kinks, while still bringing a lot of new things to the table. I learn something from them, or with them, every day. I love that.

This relationship feels stable. It's felt stable and predictable almost from the very beginning, in the best possible way. I sleep better now. I feel less tired, less like I'm always playing catch-up. I do better at work. I feel more motivated, less depressed. (Still pretty angsty, sure, but that too feels more managable now that my sleep schedule has improved.) 

I'm not saying there aren't issues. We're two pretty fucked up people, after all. There's a history there that can't be ignored; Trauma, and unhealthy coping-mechanisms, and bad relationships, and dysphoria, and low self-esteem, and fear. Fear of who we are, fear of the future, fear of being seen, fear of changing, fear of being vulnerable, fear of being lost, abandoned, ignored, unloved. Yet through that fear, there are veins of gold. Through that fear, there is love.

"Each time we live, we get to love again. That was the answer. It all swept over him, lives lived, mistakes made, love changing everything."  

-"The Gathering Storm", by Jordan&Sanderson, the chapter called "Veins of Gold".