Lately, I've dated three different people.
A couple of weeks ago, I saw Foodie again. We had a lovely cuddle date on their bed, talking and petting and making out. They certainly aren't uncomplicated, they describe themselves as "five trauma responses in a trench coat".. However, my interaction with them feels fairly straight forward. I care deeply about them, that's true.. But their masculine body feels familiar and I'm not hesitant when approaching it.
Earlier this week, I met a guy from Grindr on a coffee date. He's 21 years old (Foodie is 29, by the way), an IT student, loves the student orchestra and enjoys making knife handles in his spare time. We got along well, and I asked if he wanted to go back to his place to make out. So we did, and the coffee date turned into a cuddle date. (I like cuddle dates, where what's inside the boxer is out of bounds, because it's a really good way to test communications and boundaries. A way to get to know one another without any pressure to perform.) And whilst I've never done anything remotely like that before, this also felt... Uncomplicated. (Edited to add: Naming him Student.)
Then there's Cord. I met him on Monday, which merited a whole blog post on it's own. Definitely not uncomplicated. Since then, we've spoken excessively over text (Messenger), clearing the air and getting to know each other a lot more. Yesterday evening we had another date, where the plan was basically dinner and sex. And that plan got executed, but it didn't feel uncomplicated.
I'm struggling to put into words WHAT exactly makes my interactions with Cord feel more complicated than the others. Ok, he's ten years younger than me (he's 26), but that doesn't feel significant. I feel like we're fairly even in age, he could easily claim to be 32 or something. Like Foodie, and Saint and Arthur for that matter, Cord is a mess of trauma and various mental illnesses. This should feel familiar to me. His particular type of mind-goblins is very similar to my own, so it should in fact feel REALLY familiar. I struggle to read his non-verbal signals, and he easily grows nervous or flustered, but that's no different from my struggles to read Foodie. And that doesn't bother me much, it's more intriguing than anything else.
He're also a trans man, he're also on T (for a bit over a year longer than me), he're also "pre-op" (in quotation marks because surgery isn't the fucking end goal for all trans people, and shouldn't be held up as an implied expectation). Like me.
So what, it's all about the body? The breasts, the vulva? Yes, I have those too, but I've not interacted sexually with that many... Looking at my list (of course there's a list!), I've been involved in a fair share of M/F/F threesomes (back when I thought I was a woman)... But always in a secondary role. The cis man was definitely the one running the show (and doing most of the work). And I've never been on the receiving end for more than a minute or two. However, I've only had sex alone with someone with boobs twice. Both were one-night-stands.
The first one I've just named "that crazy woman with dreads", and the most vivid memory of her was when she locked herself in our bathroom, hallucinated and threatened to kill herself. I know we DID have sex, alone, without the interaction of X... But I can't really remember what we did. I only remember she had several piercings.
The second one was a lesbian woman I met at a seminar for people studying to become teachers. I only remember an approximation of her name. We flirted heavily all evening, to her utter confusion (because she knew I was in a relationship with a man), then I called T for his consent to sleep with her. It was the first time the "I can fuck women"-clause of our relationship came into play. I remember the sex as an exciting novelty more than as something exciting in itself. I topped, obviously, eating her out and fingering her until she came, but didn't let her reciprocate much. This was in 2006 or 2007. I haven't had sex with women on my own since then, and eventually I also grew tired of threesomes.
Cord isn't a woman though, and neither am I. We happen to have the same body parts as those people, and yes it's like 15 years since I last tried to make someone with a vulva come.. So it's unfamiliar and I worry about doing something wrong and all that.. But after all this writing and pondering about bodies, I'm not sure that's the complicated part either. Just like my struggles to read him, I'm sure it's a factor, but not the most important one.
So what's the really complicating factor? Why do I beforehand feel butterflies in my stomach and excitement and joy to meet him.. But feel fearful and uncertain when in his presence?
I think it's the dysphoria.
He actually put it into word yesterday, without knowing how impactful those words would be to me: When you see yourself reflected in another person, you're forced to acknowledge those parts of yourself as well. The parts you don't want to think about, the parts you don't even want to consider. It might actually have been easier if he'd been a woman, because then at least I could create some mental distance between us. But he's like me. There's no significant distance.
Most of the time, I'm not even aware at how much I dislike the feminine characteristics of my own body. I quite like the feelings created by my nipples, and I love the orgasms I get from my vulva. Love getting penetrated, love those waves of pleasure. But I can enjoy the functions of my own body parts, while still hating the fact that they don't look masculine.
When I see his hips, his ass, his breasts, I can't ignore those same traits of my own. And that hurts, because I DON'T WANT them. Don't want to acknowledge them, don't want to consider them. Even writing this blog post has taken hours, with lots of breaks, thinking and rewrites, and it feels like I can't breathe properly.
So yeah, it's about the body, but the problem isn't his body.. His body is beautiful, desirable, sexy.. The problem is my own.
I still want him, though. Despite the pain. Despite the confusion. Despite this terrifying, crippling dysphoria. I feel he's worth it. Just wish it didn't have to hurt so much.
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