Perching under a tarp

Elle and I don't have anywhere to meet up, most of the time. She's at work during the day (and so am I, mostly), and in the afternoons and evenings my kids are home so I can't bring her here. She's currently homeless, sleeping on a friend's couch, so we can't go to her place either. The result is that we've spent a lot of time sitting in the front seats of my car. Because at least that way we're alone, without any disturbances. There's very little physical contact possible, because of the center console. And the back seats are full of child seats that aren't practical to move. 

Outside in the evenings, the temperatures vary between 15 and 5 degrees C. There's usually at least a light rain, and there's typically buggs when there isn't. Being outside without shelter therefore isn't really an option. Good tents are expensive, and you'd need somewhere to set up in any case.

A temporary solution has been to buy a huge tarp, open the trunk of the car and then pull the tarp over the car like a makeshift roof. It's not completely enclosed, but at least we have somewhere out of the rain. Blankets, woolly sheep's skins and woollen underwear make it bearable temperature-wise. There really isn't much room in the trunk of my car, though. It's a 2019 Hyundai Ioniq Electric. We have room to sit, barely, but not room to lie down. So we're perching in my trunk, like owls on a tree branch, clinging to each other and cuddling. Occasionally, legs fall asleep or start cramping, and we have to change positions.. But we make it work. 

I'd much rather have had a room somewhere, to be alone with her. But we can't book a hotel room every weekend (we did once, which was wonderful, but it's not sustainable in the long run). And there's nowhere else for us to go. So we make due. It's just another way I feel like a teenager, I guess. 

We've had three of these "tarp dates" now, and it feels special to me. I've never, in my 36 years of life, done anything like this, and I probably won't ever do anything similar with anyone else in the future. Sitting there with her, in our tarp-enclosed semi-darkness late at night, it gives a sense of intimacy like nothing I've ever experienced. I feel safe. Accepted. I feel like I can trust her, and she can trust me. For a moment, we're just... in love. Just people... Gender irrelevant. Body parts irrelevant. 

The previous time we did this, I asked her to play with my boobs a bit. Suck them, touch them. Because I felt like it. Because I didn't feel like any sort of gender right then. And if there is no gender, then there is no dysphoria either. There's just bodies, doing what bodies want. 

She's never been permitted to touch me there before. I'm not certain I'll ever let her do so again. But right there and then, it felt right. And I didn't "disappear" into autopilot. I was still me, both while it was happening and afterwards. Maybe it felt so right, because I trust her to see me, really ME, regardless of how I look, or sound, or what body parts I have. Just like I see her, in the same way. That is a gift, I think, that only T4T can really give (and not all trans people either). 

That beggars the question: If society didn't have gender... If gender wasn't a thing at all.. Would I still feel dysphoria? Would I still want top surgery? Testosterone? I can't be sure. But frankly, I think it's irrelevant. That's not the society we live in. I can't pretend to live in some fantasy world. I have to find a way to make my life in THIS world bearable. To me, the solution is to transition. Both medically and socially. But some trans people don't want to transition, and that's perfectly fine too. They're still trans. (If you don't understand that last part, read this.)

Anyhow: Tarp dates. Better than nothing. But DAMN, I'm looking forward to the time when she gets a new place to live and we can actually hang out alone together indoors.