Feeling sexy

I played around with the Joystick yesterday, and took a couple of "dick pics" to send to Elle. Upon reviewing the pics I'd taken, I realized that looking at my own "dick pics" turns me on. It freaked me out a bit, because it felt incredibly narcissistic. 

We've all heard how autogynephilia is a bullshit, transphobic term, and the whole theory has since been debunked. Yes, sometimes trans women can get turned on by dressing in women's clothes and looking feminine.. But there's nothing wrong with that. It (apparently) happens to cis women too, it's normal to enjoy looking sexy. Also, early on in a transition, it's common to get turned on simply because of the thrill, the taboo, the rush of gender euphoria. It's normal. 

I knew that, yet hadn't heard "autoandrophilia" discussed at all. Didn't consider that this might apply to me as well. But apparently men can feel sexy too. That's apparently a big part of the reason for why they take dick pics to begin with. 

After talking with other transmascs about it, I realised that I've never really felt sexy. I've enjoyed OTHER PEOPLE looking at me and finding me sexy, enjoyed the attention, the compliments, enjoyed feeling desired. I've also been able to dress and behave in ways I knew would be likely to get such a reaction. However, I've never FELT sexy. Never seen myself as sexy or desirable. 

To be honest, I still don't. But looking at that prosthetic dick.. My dick.. It turned me on. Mostly because it looks so incredibly gender affirming, but also because I remember the feeling of it in my hand. And that is ALSO gender affirming, gender euphoric. So it compounds the feeling of euphoria and horniness. 

Is this how cis people naturally feel when looking at their own body? I this what "feeling sexy" feels like? I have no idea. But now that I'm not as freaked out by it, I think I like it.