I'm not an idiot. I know that despite a few downy hairs on my belly and my deepening voice, when I'm naked people still see a woman. They see my boobs, my broad hips, my pear shaped body, my big, fat ass, the stretch marks on my belly from going through two pregnancies, my throat devoid of any Adam's apple. They see my pussy. (The clit still isn't bigger than many cis women's clits.)
The more layers I remove, the more naked I become, the worse it is.
Elle doesn't make me feel like a woman though. Neither did Student or NN when I was with them. Even with them inside of me, I didn't feel like a woman. Or perhaps more accurately; I was able to ignore all the ways my body doesn't conform to my ideas about myself. When Elle touches me, strokes my tits, my ass, my waist, it doesn't feel like she does it in the same way as she would a woman.
It goes the other way too. When Elle is undressed, I can't help but admire her. She's absolutely gorgeous. Long limbed, lean, strong, golden skin, a tight ass, and a dick that would make anyone envious (though perhaps especially me). I've told her repeatedly: She's gorgeous now.. With estrogen, she'll be downright dangerous. In my mind, I can see what it will do to her; Swell her breasts, give her more hips, a more defined waist. Soften her skin, make subtle changes to her face. She'll have the height of a model, with legs that go on for days, combined with a more feminine overall body shape. She'll be stunning.
Yet she's not on estrogen yet, so she's struggling with the same problem as I do: The more layers you remove, the more aware she becomes of the incongruousness. Of the many ways her body doesn't match her vision of herself. The fact that I, and probably a lot of other people, find her incredibly attractive, probably doesn't help. Might even make things worse, in a way, because of the focus it puts on her body.
So when I touch her, I try to touch her like I would any other woman. I play with her nipples, grab onto her chest like I would small boobs. I stroke her waist, her hips, her ass, like I would a more feminine body. Even with her inside of me, sometimes, we make-believe that I'm the one fucking her. And occasionally, I do actually fuck her, with fingers, hand, and dick.
I fuck her "pussy", not "ass". I suck on her "clit", not "dick". I typically "use my mouth on her", I don't "give her a blow job". Words matter. They matter a lot. She doesn't "lick" me, but she can occasionally "blow" me, though. I ask her to "touch" me, not "finger" me. I try to avoid words like "jerk off" or "cum" when talking about her orgasms or solo play, though I'm not yet comfortable saying that I'm "jerking off" myself (unless I'm physically jerking a strap-on or the Joystick).
And it's not perfect. I occasionally fuck up, and say the wrong thing. That's ok. I'm trying though, and so is she. Together, we're building this illusion of who we want to be. We're telling this story, together, of what our bodies look like and what we can do with them, despite what we know is the reality.
We're not idiots. We know what we look like, we know what the other person sees when we're naked. We're fighting against indoctrination, and a long life before coming out, insisting we were someone we're not. We're fighting against the preconceived notion that a woman's body must look a certain way, have certain parts. And a man's body must look a certain way, and have certain parts.
Yet without hormones, without surgeries, Elle's body is still a woman's body. Because Elle is a woman. Regardless of shape, regardless of parts. And my body is still a transmasculine body, because I'm transmasculine. Regardless of shape, regardless of parts. That's the theory. The theory I find fairly easy to accept when it comes to her, and yet impossible to accept when it comes to me. It's what I'm trying to wrap my head around, try to accept when I see myself in a mirror.
It's fucking hard though. Because when I see myself naked, in a mirror or in my mind, I see a woman. Still a woman, in every way. And I hate it.
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