One year since egg crack

Today is October 14 2022. Exactly one year ago, I sat on the couch and wrote my heart out. Panicking because I was having the beginning of a gender crisis. The next day, I went to a store and tried on a man's shirt for the first time. Eleven days later, I realised I had a lot more dysphoria than I'd first thought. It would take another six weeks before I settled on the transmasculine part of my identity, but it was a really important beginning. 

I spent those first couple of months thinking, googling, reading, and crying. Crying a lot. Saying goodbye to who I thought I was, seeing my entire life up until that point through a new lense. By January 2022 I'd decided I wanted testosterone (though I'd been curious about it since November), in February I changed my name and in late March I started hrt. 

I was incredibly lucky to be able to start hrt that quickly. 5 months and 9 days from that first egg crack until I started testosterone. (If I hadn't had to check with the lichen sclerosus specialists at the hospital, I could probably have started a couple of months earlier.) It's almost unheard of in Norway, as far as I know. Was it too quickly? No, I don't think so. It was exactly what I needed at the time. If I'd had to go through the public system (and claiming to be binary trans), I'd be lucky to start hrt after two years. Most likely it would take even longer. That wait would make me absolutely miserable. Severely depressed. I'm glad I didn't have to. 

A lot of the time since March has been spent focusing on my medical transition. Gradually increasing my dose of testosterone, to the point where my period finally stopped. My last one was at the start of August, and it was super light. I'm thrilled to be rid of it. In the months since March, my voice has deepened, my jaw looks wider, my brows heavier, I've gotten slightly more body hair and my clit has grown. I also feel like I have more energy, and my sex drive is stronger. 

And yeah sure, the changes testosterone has wrought, physically as well as mentally, have been the most dramatic. However, a lot more has happened that isn't due to hrt. I'm calmer than I was a year ago. More settled. Filling out my own skin more. I feel a lot less high strung, less on edge. And although my mental health is worse now, with more social anxiety and dysphoria in particular, it feels more honest. Genuine.

October 14 2021 I was reborn. A new life began. Today I'm one year old. Saint suggested we buy a cake to celebrate, so I have. It's a birthday of sorts, after all. Happy birthday to me. I'm looking forward to the years to come.