I was the golden child

When I grew up, I was the golden child. My parents firstborn, I knew how to read before starting in 1st grade. I played my way through school, learned new material on my first read through, and I was excellent at memorizing. My vocabulary was much bigger than my peers, I was responsible and trustworthy even as a young child. 

My grades, once we started getting grades, were by far the best in my class, and my teachers loved me. They trusted me. liked me, above my peers. I asked intelligent questions and actually listened when they tried to tell us something. My father promised me 50 NOK for every top grade on tests and report cards, which he soon came to regret. I got significant income from that deal during the three years of junior high. 

At 15, I moved abroad for high school. My mother told me straight out that she wouldn't let my younger sister do anything similar, but I was so sensible she knew she could trust that I'd do well on my own. Which I did. In a foreign language, I didn't get top grades anymore, but I was still top 5 in my class (the other 4 were native speakers). In my family, I was also the one to always step up. If "someone" had to go take care of something, I was always that "someone". From fetching wood for the fireplace, to helping my dad with the computer, I was always "someone". 

When I met T, I remember struggling with him being more knowledgeable than me. He was just as intelligent, maybe even more, but in addition he had the advantage of being 7 years my senior and having other "intellectuals" as friends and family. There was no way for me to "catch up" with that. I told him, I'd always had my mind. My intellectual capacity, my knowledge, my "school smarts", were one of the pillars of my identity. And it wasn't good enough to just be "good", I didn't feel accomplished, fulfilled, unless I was among the best. Unless I was perfect, or at least as perfect as possible. 

I've kept struggling with this ever since, and reading up on "Golden Child Syndrome" a lot seems to fit. This isn't a medical diagnosis at all, but it's a collection of personality traits. A quick Google search gives the following: 

"A “golden child” is one who is considered “special” by their family and chosen as a proxy for a parent’s own achievements and magnificence. Unfortunately, the child must live up to perhaps unattainable levels of accomplishment and perfection. Being the golden child does not necessarily represent a positive familial position"

(...)

"Below are eight signs of a golden child:

1. A need to achieve: Golden children recognize that their place in the family is deeply entwined to their ability to meet the expectations that their parent places on them. The golden child may never even think to explore their own ambitions, as they are trained to focus on what their parent expects of them.
2. People-pleasing behaviors: Because the golden child recognizes that their specialness is tied to their ability to be what their parent wants them to be, they grow up focusing on making others happy.
3. Filling an adult role too early: Golden children are often parentified, meaning that they are required to step into a pseudo-adult role by their narcissistic parent. Because golden children are perceived as more perfect or special, they are given greater status than their siblings hold. This is not healthy for a child’s development.
4. Fear of failure: Golden children are treated more favorably than their siblings, but if they fail to meet their parent’s standards, the punishment may be out of proportion to their misstep. This ingrains in them a pervasive fear of letting themselves or others down.
5. Overwhelming guilt: Typically, if there is a golden child, there is also a child identified as the family scapegoat. Everything that goes well becomes associated with the golden child’s goodness, while everything that goes wrong is blamed on the scapegoat. The golden child recognizes the inequity of this, and feelings of guilt for the treatment of their siblings may be carried into adulthood.
6. Conflicting loyalties: Driven by the need to please their parent, the golden child may be asked to take a role in disciplining their siblings. This generates inner conflict, as the golden child recognizes that they hold the same family status as their siblings.
7. Self-criticism: The golden child may feel that they are never “good enough.” If they were habitually compared to the scapegoat, they may fear a fall from grace and being dropped into the role of family scapegoat.
8. Episodes of “need-panic”: This occurs when the golden child’s own needs suddenly bubble up and they are unable to keep them from spilling over or exploding."

Looking through that list, it really resonates. There's just SO much here, there's probably content for many blog posts.. The only ones that don't really fit are the descriptions for number 5 and 6. I can't remember ever having such a role with my siblings, nor was any of them always the scapegoat.... As far as I can recall, at least. Might be more stuff buried here.

This post is already long enough. I need to continue this at some later point. Might be a part 2 coming later.