Internalized transphobia made me afraid of lesbians

 Why do I have such issues accepting that I find women sexually attractive? 

I'm starting to wonder if it might be internalized transphobia... Because remember, I didn't realize I was trans until I was 35. I'd subconsciously kept that knowledge hidden from myself, ever since I was a child. Knowing that I was trans, was dangerous, my unconscious self had decided that it wasn't safe for me to know.

So anything that could make me doubt my own gender, was subconsciously kept from me. At the same time, anything that would entrench me deeper into the "woman" category could subconsciously trigger dysphoria and cause me pain. So I was super fascinated by lesbians, because of how they broke the gender stereotypes... But at the same time, they felt very "other" to me. I remember going to a women-focused kink event hosted by my good friend B, and feeling completely lost. Because even though I knew, even then, that I could theoretically be attracted to women, they all just felt... Terrifying. Strange. "Other". I had nothing in common with them, like a fish trying to fly. 

As it turns out, that gut feeling was right. Because I wasn't a woman. That part makes so much more sense now. I was, and still am, attracted to women, but hanging out with lesbians must have triggered my dysphoria something fierce. Because I wasn't like them, and deep down I must have known that.

I'm not a man, but I'm definitely "man-adjacent". So my attraction to women is more in a... Straight way? On the other hand, there's very little in typically male sexual norms that I want to embrace. I'm too queer for that, and too much of a feminist. 

This all doesn't really make sense to me. When I look at attractive women in real life, people I don't already have a sexual relationship with, I feel like there's an invisible wall between us. My eyes will look, my body sometimes turns on, but consciously I don't feel much at all. I'm not letting myself feel those feelings at all. There is not even a sense of pushing them away, they weren't permitted to exist in the first place. 

That smells very much of internalized -phobia to me.. Something shameful, hateful, something I SHOULD. NOT. BE. And I don't think it's internalized homophobia, because that doesn't feel dangerous to me. The idea of just being gay, frankly, feels appealing. Like a relief. So that's not it. 

I think it's internalized transphobia. Because girls like boys. And lesbian girls like girls. And if I like girls, but really aggressivly don't feel like a lesbian, then I can't be a girl. And not being a girl... Now that's scary and dangerous. There's some old robots here, doing their thing. I need to find them all, and turn them off. They aren't needed anymore. 

I'm trans. 

I'm really, really not a girl.

And whilst that might feel scary, or dangerous, it doesn't stop being true. 

I'm not a girl. Girls just turn me on. And that's ok. I'm trans, I'm queer, and that's all ok. 

Now, how do I make myself less scared?