I wrote the other day about how I could have gotten sex, if I'd wanted it. I even registered for a couple of dating apps again. I just.. Don't go through with actually scheduling a hook-up. Why?
It's not just the effort and forced socialization and autistic masking, though that is a significant part of the picture. These last few months have made me pretty burnt out, and I'm seriously down-scaling my social life, to try to regain some spoons.
No, I think the main issue is that I don't really know who I am anymore, as a sexual creature. I have vulva, a clit, and I enjoy being penetrated... I crave a more passive, receiving role than I've had in most sexual encounters. I want to be touched, want to be desired, want to be fucked... But I really, really don't want to be seen as a woman. And I'm scared, because being seen as a woman hurts.
On the other hand, I don't want to take on just a typical masculine role either. Because that's all I've ever done, looong before I realized I was trans. I've been the hunter, the seducer, the taker, the dominant...
And I enjoy those things, I really do, especially playing with a strap-on is really affirming... But I don't want ONLY that. And except for with Arthur, I've pretty much done ONLY that. Why? Because I don't have to be vulnerable, when I'm the dom. I don't have to feel my feelings, I can just focus on the other person's needs. So for me, being in a top/dom role is uncomplicated.
It's masking, in a way, because I can set my self aside and just be what the other person needs me to be. And up until recently, masking felt very easy. Because I hadn't opened that Pandora's box, I hadn't started trying to take those masks off. It's very easy not to feel your feelings, when you're pushing them away all the time. It becomes automatic, you don't even notice that you're doing it.
I want to feel my feelings now. I want to breathe, and experience, and enjoy myself while both giving and receiving. I want to be touched, to be desired. Not as a femdom kink-dispenser, not as a woman, not as a man. I want to be touched and desired just for... Me. Whoever the fuck that is.
I think, I hope, the solution to this is just more queer sex. Queer sex in queer spaces, where gender and gender norms can be set aside for a bit. Where I can just focus on sex, without preconceived notions about who's the knife and who's the fork.
So I've signed up for a sex party.
The party is female-focused, but is inclusive to everyone who aren't a cis man pretty much. I don't know if it'll be filled with mostly cis gendered lesbians, or if it will feel gender queer enough that I'll actually feel comfortable... If they see me as a man, they might not even welcome me.. But if they see me as a woman, I'll just get dysphoric and really uncomfortable. I also don't even know if I'll handle a sexparty focused on women. I realized intellectually that I was into women over two years ago, but it still feels emotionally... Scary.
However, there aren't a lot of sex positive, queer events in this city, so... I figured it's worth a shot.
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