Might and I participated in a couple of shibari classes last weekend, and today we practiced a bit of what we'd learned. Arms tightly bound to my chest, one leg bent and tied towards my chest also, it's without doubt the most restricted I've ever been by ropes in my life. I loved that, and really want to practice more.
However, the most wonderful thing, to me, was how he used his arms, body and the rope to really make me FEEL something. Not just sit there and be tied, but actually have a shibari experience. I can't remember ever being on the receiving end of that sort of bondage before. I've seen it done lots of times, I've done it myself as a rigger.. But to sit there with my eyes closed and just breathe, as I could feel him tying me tighter and tighter.. It was a completely new, and very, very interesting experience.
I've been the rope bottom for shibari-style bondage a few times before. Most recently during a photoshoot with a very experienced rigger. However, that was very business-like. The ropework was expertly done, but I was just a model. I wasn't supposed to feel anything. I've also been tied up by Saint once, during a shibari weekend. He tied me in a TK / box tie, and I still have the pictures from that day. Back then, I remember freaking out. I didn't panic, but wasn't far from it. I worried something similar might happen today, but it didn't.
I'm not sure exactly why I freaked out back in 2017. Perhaps just because it was a socially exhausting experience, with lots of semi-unfamiliar people in a small space.. Combined with lots of learning and physically strenuous activities, I was mentally very tired. However, I don't think that's the entire story.
I was a lot more uptight back then. Unable to receive at all, without panicking. Unable to just be present in my body, feeling the physical sensations and the emotional impact. What has changed? Egg crack. I realized I was trans. After that, there's been a gradual habituation to receiving. The first time Novice did anything to me, while I just lied there, I struggled to stay present. After a while, that got easier. While I still have to work on this, being the bottom for Might isn't a struggle. The struggle now, is to let myself be the sub.
Today, I could feel rope space lurking there. Could feel myself sniffing at it, trying it on, without completely being able to embrace it. I think, I hope, that rope space might give me a "back door" into sub space. A safer way to practice letting myself go in his arms, to be present whilst not being in control. That scares me, and I really, really want it.
Might needs more practice handling the ropes, and handling my body. So that I don't have to worry about falling over, or having ropes slip off.. And I need more practice receiving... Anything. Accepting the tightness and the restriction without freaking out. Breathing, just allowing myself to be.
My poor self-esteem gets in the way too, I think. I need to accept that he actually wants to touch my body, wants to play with me. That I don't have to feel bad. Tying me up or playing with me, isn't an unwanted chore to him. He wants this as much as I do. He clearly enjoys cuddling with me, he comes to me for a kiss before leaving the house, he says he enjoys touching me and playing with me. His words and his actions match. I really, really want to believe him.. But I can't yet. Not fully. I'm too worried the nasty, mean voices in my head are right. I worry he'll end up like Novice, shying away from any sort of physical contact with me, just as I start trusting that he really wants me. That thought terrifies me.
How can I truly let go, whether into rope space or sub space, when I'm unable to trust that I'm even wanted?
How can I trust that I'm wanted?
How can I trust?
I wish I knew. Because I really, really want to.
No comments:
Post a Comment