In the last couple of weeks, three more names have been added to That List. A British-Nigerian guy here on a business trip (SO much internalized homophobia, don't even get me started!), a wonderful genderfluid amab person from abroad (named NN here), and a 24 year old Norwegian guy with a stutter who lived with his parents (they weren't home, luckily!).
Of those, NN was by far my favorite person. Intelligent, interesting, knowledgeable about gender.. And with one of the thickest cocks I've ever seen. No real spark, as of now, but maybe the potential for one.. And I hope to see him again and get to know him better, regardless of what else we might do. Since I wrote last, I've also seen Student and Arthur. So that's quite a lot of sexual encounters in the last couple of weeks.
The sexual encounters are all mostly the same: Kissing, petting, sucking dick, fingering a bit maybe, then riding them. Me trying to get me off with a vibrator while riding them (hasn't worked the last three times. Fucking annoying, no idea why. Dysphoria? Bottom growth changing the sensitivity again?). Then them fucking me however they like until they come or give up. Then me getting off with heavy, curved metal dildo and a vibrator, while snuggling up next to them, if I haven't had an orgasm already.
I'm very much in control of the sexual encounters. I tell them what I want, I sometimes show them, I correct them if it's uncomfortable. I set the pace for when we progress to the next part of the encounter. I never seek more than one orgasm, for either of us. I leave after a couple of hours.
I just can't seem to let my guard down. I want to.. But I can't seem to get past the idea that if I'm passive, receiving, that means I'm being selfish. And selfish is something I don't deserve. Selfish is bad. Also I don't trust these guys at all. Regardless of what they SAY when we're dressed, when our clothes come off I'm still seen as a woman (perhaps with the exception of NN, since he's genderfluid himself). Being seen as a woman is dysphoric, but I also really enjoy sex... It's like those two are battling each other in my mind, it's exhausting.
NN said something really affirming though.. He said that once I get more bottom growth, he'd give me a blow job... And that.. THAT.. Damn. I've been thinking about that one sentence ever since. I keep wondering if I can build upon that somehow.. Wearing a strap-on while being fucked maybe? Is that even possible?
Also, from my encounter with Arthur (more on that in the next post), I know that I CAN enjoy being more receiving/passive. It's really, really hard for me, but it's possible for me to get there... Maybe that's something to strive towards with others? Not just anyone, but someone I can learn to trust...
It's a leap of faith, though.. But I won't ever learn to trust, unless I start trusting.
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