A reaching out

Novice and I met up in their apartment for the first time on Monday the 31st of October. We're not sure when we went from "just playing" to "together", but have (a bit arbitrarily) sat the date to December 3, 2022. (I seem to recall that being the first time we had penetrative sex, but don't quote me on that.) 

Some time in December, can't remember when, I told Novice I loved them. They didn't say it back. I'm used to that inequality, Arthur was the same for years... But it still isn't pleasant. It gives ample grounds for uncertainty and anxiety to thrive.

I couldn't NOT say it, though. The love I feel inside me, is like a tidal wave. It fills me up, threatens to sweap my legs out from under me, makes me gasp for breath. I'm in love. That's how it works.

I know these first 4-6 months is the "crush phase". The time when everything is sweet and wonderful. I have no idea where we'll be in half a year, or what I'll feel for them then. Right now, it feels like I'll love them forever, but it always feels like that at first. So I don't dare trust those feelings of longevity. 

It doesn't matter, though. My feelings now are still real, still love. Strong, heady, wonderful love. I couldn't NOT express it. 

Just like with Giant, I suspected that Novice had stronger feelings for me than they were extressing with words. They practically admitted as much, in one of the last days of 2022. So I pushed a bit. Not too much, I think, but I wanted them to explore their feelings. Feel them. Name them. Not just hide from them, because of fear or trauma.

Novice is always reaching for me, touching me, holding me. Always seeking some sort of physical closeness. I love that! I especially love that I don't have to be the one nagging about it. They want as much, perhaps even more, physical touch as me. It makes me feel seen. Appreciated. Cared for. Loved. This single thing, in itself, made me suspect that they loved me as much as I loved them. 

Very late last night, Novice initiated sex. Fully, on their own, no prompting or hints from me, verbal or non-verbal. They took the initiative. It stunned me, in a very positive way. That situation just never happens to me. I think it's a sign of greater intimacy between us. More trust. More closeness. And perhaps that's what we needed, for them to trust themself. For them to trust my feelings for them. 

This morning, Novice told me that they love me too. Finally.

I'd intellectually accepted that they haven't said it before, but it's been emotionally really hard. A weight, a nagging uncertainty in the back of my mind. A self-hating voice whispering in my ear "you're nothing to them. You're too much, you feel too much, you're just going to get hurt again". 

With the word "love", they lifted that weight off me. I feel like I can breathe. Like I can relax. Like I'm safe, emotionally really safe, with them. The last of the walls I know I've held up, came crumbling down. There's no more conscious reservations on my end. I can just feel. Just be. Just love. Just be loved. 

Beloved.