One-night-stands

In that old blog post from two years ago, I concluded that the reason I hadn't had many one-night-stands was that it came down to trust, and my own trauma. I wrote: 

"I'm not even sure what I'm afraid of, really... I think it's 60% body issues and 40% a fear of disappointing them. Of not being good enough.

But if I could let myself trust? Oh yeah, there would be a lot more one night stands in my future."

In October 2021, it clicked: I was trans. That's what I was afraid of.

In December 2021, I came out. 

Then came 2022 and it was a year full of sex. I had 12 different sexual partners; Saint, Cord, Student, NN, Elle and Novice are mentioned here by name (pseudonym). In addition, I had six one-night-stands where genitals were involved (not all of them piv). 

In the scope of a year, that isn't a lot. But seeing as I didn't start fucking around until I'd started testosterone, and do very, very few random hook-ups when all my time is taken up by a new flame.. That means no hook-ups in January-March, then I dated Cord for two months in spring, and have dated Elle for almost six months now.. Leaving the majority of my random hook-ups for about six weeks in early summer, averaging a new person every week. Which is pretty impressive, when I'd never had one-night-stands before.

Do I still worry that I'm not good enough? Sure, but that's mostly a concern with regular partners. For random hook-ups I don't really care what they think of me. I'm there to have sex, that's all. 

Do I still have body-issues? Sure, tons. But I know what's causing those issues now, and things like wearing a binder (or a strap-on) makes it more manageable. Don't get me wrong: I'm still fat, and have oodles of internalized fatphobia to deal with. But again: I don't really care what random hookups think, or at least I don't care as much as I used to.

Is it all because of testosterone? A lot of it, sure. I experience unmanageable horniness that needed some sort of outlet, and I grew more willing to take risks. But that willingness to take risks, in itself, wasn't only fueled by testosterone. It was also a letting go of my own inhibitions, my own fear of myself. I'm still a control freak, but I don't hold on quite as tightly anymore. I'm not quite as high strung as I used to be. Also, my relationship with sex isn't driven by scarcity as much as before. Sure, no one likes bad sex, but there will always be other sexual encounters. That's different from before too. 

The most pivotal thing in my relationship with sex wasn't the testosterone in itself, though. The most pivotal thing was realizing that I was trans. When so much of your mental capacity is being used trying to keep that knowledge away from myself, no wonder the rest of my mind didn't work very well... I'm not saying everything is ok now, I'm still a traumatized, angst-filled mess of a person.. But some things are easier, at least. And sex is one of them. 

I'm toasting 2022 as a good year for sex, and hope 2023 will be even better.