Imaginary (a de-escalation)

Elle and I are sort of through, and sort of not. I won't go into the reasoning here, it's irrelevant. The point is: We both agreed, yesterday, that we can't continue the way we had.. This relationship won't be as serious anymore, and won't escalate. She'll never meet my kids, she'll never be a part of my family. That dream is over. We're de-escalating. 

If we'd been monogamous, that would have been the end. We aren't, so it isn't. The relationship isn't over, but it's taken a new form. A more casual form, where we'll meet up a few times per month in stead of thrice per week. We'll keep playing and having sex, keep hanging out, keep being friends, and if our feelings survive then we'll keep loving each other. But that's it. It's no longer a "full-time" relationship, equal with Saint and (on her end) Liberty. 

So we're both over, and not. She's both an ex, and not. I've both lost her, and not.

It feels like a loss, though. It feels like heartache. Yet, what I'm grieving isn't our relationship, isn't her, it's what COULD have been. I'm grieving what I wanted us to be. I'm grieving a dream, not the reality. In reality, we were a turbulent, stressful mess, almost from the very beginning. This ending, or changing, is the best thing that could have happened, given the circumstances.

And yet.. And yet, I grieve. I'm moody, sad, want to push everyone and everything away. I want to cry, but I can't. My stomach hurts, I forget to breathe deeply, my jaw is tense, my shoulders are high and tight. 

I keep feeling silly... In a way, I wanted this. Or at least, I know it was the right call. And I haven't lost her, really, we're just.. Keeping the bits that work and getting rid of the rest. We'll probably be better for it, both individually and together. There's all these rational reasons why I should be just fine with this.

And yet I'm not fine. I'm sad. Devastated. Heartbroken. I'm trying to give myself space to feel those feelings. It's so easy to suppress them, because I "shouldn't" feel this or that.. But all feelings are valid, and they don't have to make sense. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway, trying to stay present. Trying to keep feeling, even though it hurts. Even though I don't want to. Staying present, even though fleeing from this is so much easier.

It just... Hurts. 

I miss her. Or.. I miss what I wanted her to be. I miss my dream of us. But that dream was just imaginary. I think happiness is still within our reach. Not the happiness I thought wanted, not the world I created in my dreams.. But maybe a more honest one. I hurt.. But there's also a relief.