A transition loss

In January just over a year ago, I wrote about transitioning and thereby losing access to female spaces. But it was frankly more of a theoretical exercise, not something I'd really felt. I'm starting to get an inkling of how it really can be, now. Yesterday, on the bus, this beautiful woman got on. She had a big, while coat, her hair was covered in a pale woolen scarf, and all of her was covered by freshly fallen snow. She looked like a snow princess. 

I wanted to tell her. Wanted to compliment her. Wanted to brighten her day. 

I didn't.

If she'd seen me as a man, which she MIGHT have, odds are she'd have considered me creepy. Not kind.

I was on the bus with Novice, and we talked about this. How toxic masculinity and "rape culture" has made compliments from strange men not only unwelcome, but outright threatening. Not because YOU might be dangerous specifically, but because whether or not you ARE dangerous is a lottery.. A lottery with only loosing tickets. A woman only has to be wrong once, to get stalked, raped, or killed. She can't possibly know whether you're a safe person or not, and our entire culture (and probably a ton of personal experience) has taught her not to take that chance. 

So that's something I'm loosing, though my transition. Despite being short (by male standards), and fat, and fairly feminine, I still MIGHT be seen as threatening if I approach a woman I don't know in public. I can no longer, without very careful thought and timing, pay random women compliments. The spontaneity is gone. 

That definitely feels like a loss. A minor one, sure, compared to all I'm gaining, but a loss non the less. One I didn't anticipate, and didn't want. I'll take it, because I want all the rest of the transition stuff, but I'm not happy about it. 

Damn, gender roles suck sometimes.