The Gremlin is still wrong

After realizing I was trans, after realizing I could get MY OWN dick sucked, I lost my fetish for giving blow jobs. That's apparently part of a pattern that keeps happening. After I realized I want MY OWN beard, I lost my single-minded fascination for bearded men. I still think they're hot, just like I still enjoy giving blowjobs, but it's much less of a need, an urge, a kink. 

So how do I know what's really a preference, what's gender envy, and what's dysphoria? That's a really frustrating conundrum. I touched upon this when I wrote about Cord, another afab trans person. His body made me feel more dysphoric about my own. I've since concluded this might be part of the reason why I've never been THAT attracted by women.. Or let myself get that attracted to women. Because they trigger my dysphoria, by being what I tried and failed to be. 

(Don't get me wrong: I've had sex with women before. That can be fun. But it's felt very different from men, and I've never been in love with a cis woman before. I didn't think I could be. Now I'm not so certain.)

I've encountered this same phenomenon with trans women. They trigger my dysphoria sometimes, because they desire, for themselves, all the things I hate about me. I'm still attracted to them, though, which should say something about my capacity to become attracted to cis women. I don't know why trans women feel "safe" when cis women do not.. Might simply be about body parts, or might be something about the shared trans experience. (I expect trans people to understand me, in a way a cis person never truly can.) I don't know.

Anyway, the real conundrum these days is my porn habits: I want pussy; Women with vulvas. Not trans men, not trans women, not people with strap-ons, and CERTAINLY not cis men. No dicks in my porn please. I want cunts. Why? What's up with that? Why doesn't THAT trigger my dysphoria? It makes no sense to me, no sense at all. 

Sure, I've always had a strong preference for watching cis women orgasm. Listening to them. It's really hot. But I've seen gay male porn, and previously found that really hot too. I don't, now. Not anymore. And I can't figure out what this is about.. Am I more single-mindedly attracted to women than I've previously thought? Was it all suppressed, because of my own dysphoria?

The scariest bit is that it makes me doubt myself, again. Is this fascinating with vulvas, based on the fact that I enjoy my own? (I do. Despite occasional dysphoria, and intense euphoria when I use a strap-on, I enjoy masturbating and having sex with my vulva.). 

And if I do enjoy my own vulva so much, can I really be trans? 

It's that brain-gremlin that sits in the back of my head saying "you can't really be trans, you didn't know until you were 35. You're just tricking yourself, thinking this is the Solution to anything, that this explains anything. You've always been a bit miserable, but aren't everyone really? You think you're special, but you're not. You're just a gullible fool, ruining your life in a new and more creative way than before."

And I know it's just a gremlin. I am trans. We've been over this. No, not everyone feels that way. I'm trans. There's plenty of older evidence too, if I look for them. I'm trans. 

The gremlin is wrong.

I also apparently like pussy, a lot more than I've previously realized. 

That doesn't mean the gremlin is any less wrong.

I'm still trans.
Confused as hell.. But still trans.