Theoretically bisexual

Ok, so I'm starting to admit that I like women. (Yes, that first link is from a post 1,5 years ago.. Yes, I'm slow, I know. Show mercy, will you.)  

Not just trans women, either. All women. Sexually and romantically. I've claimed cis women trigger my dysphoria because our bodies are so similar (and I hate my own), and that's true. Yes. But not the complete truth. 

The reason I get dysphoric over my attraction to women, is because I'm not into women "in a gay way". I'm into women in "a straight way". A "man way". Being seen as a gay woman, a lesbian or a bisexual woman, is SO WRONG on so many (gendered) levels. THAT'S what's been triggering most of the dysphoria. Whether it's other people, or the woman herself, is irrelevant; Having my attraction toward her be read as a "lesbian thing" is the problem. Having the woman interested in me, LIKE SHE WOULD BE in a woman... Responding to my flirting as though I'm ALSO a woman.. That is the major hurdle. 

A lot of capital letters there, but it felt like such an epiphany to me. I knew I was into men "in a gay way", knew I had a "thing" for homosexual guys.. Realizing I'm into women "in a straight way" is a very small and very logical step, but it still feels like such a revelation. 

That's why I can't admit to being attracted to women. Why I'm "theoretically bisexual", but have never fallen in love with a cis woman. It's because I'm not a woman.

Duh.