What am I? (part 1)

Back when I was in my late teens, I used to say that I was bisexual. I still had a strong preference for men, but I could get sexually (though never romantically) attracted to women. I had sex with a couple of women, and a handful of threesomes (two women, one man). Then in my early 20ies I gradually lost interest in women. I thought I might not have been bisexual at all, just curious about the "taboo" of fucking someone of my own gender. 

Since then, I've been joking that I wish I was bisexual because then I'd have "twice as many options" when it came to partners. That maybe people should pray for me to change my gender preferences... (Since some people apparently believes that you can pray the gay away, it should logically work the other way too...) But I've remained overwhelmingly attracted to men, and even a specific type of men (bearded, chubby, geeky). 

That first started changing about 5 or 6 years ago. I didn't understand it back then, but there was this (probably lesbian, if I'm judging by appearance alone) woman working in a nearby grocery store that I was super fascinated with... Aka attracted to. There was also Daisy, whom I've mentioned once or twice before, in the BDSM scene in Norway... I didn't realise at the time what those feelings were, but looking back it's pretty obvious... 

One evening at the BDSM club in Oslo, another person appeared that I felt super attracted to. Another woman. I ended up doing some (pretty casual) bondage on her, and that SHOULDN'T have mattered much to me.. I play with random, new people all the time.. But it did. I realised then that this was... Something. That I wasn't JUST straight anymore. But since I wasn't attracted to 99,9% of all women I saw, I pushed it down.. Refused to take in what those feelings of mine actually meant. 

Then there's been a couple of celebrities who've triggered those same feelings.. Namely Brie Larson and (to a slightly lesser degree) Ruby Rose. So I'd say things like "I'm theoretically bisexual, since there's a few women out there I'm attracted to, but mainly I'm into men so I call myself straight". 

Then came the nail in the coffin: This other day I installed TokTok, and I stumbled upon a user called blacksuitblonde. They're non-binary/genderfluid and use both "they" and "she" pronouns. And they are GORGEOUS. And yeah, esthetically too, obviously. But also gorgeous as in "I want to fuck them". And after watching like 15 of their videos and loving each and every one, I really realised.. I'm not straight!

No, I'm not attracted to all women.. But I sure as hell aren't attracted to all guys either. I have a very specific "type" when I look at men and masc people (like previously mentioned: bearded, chubby, geeky). I must allow myself to have a "type" when I look at women too... And what is that type, you ask? It's basically short hair and typically masculine clothing/style elements. It was particularly noticeable in Brie Larson's portrayal of Captain Marvel. 

• With long hair: Just like any other woman, not attracted to her at all. 
• With short hair: Boom! Super hot!

I don't know if my esthetic preferences also include "slim" or "fit", but so far all the women I've felt attracted to have been. I suspect "slim" isn't really a part of it. I think I could be attracted to people of any size. 

Also: The more I think about this, the more I remember being attracted to other short haired women too. Like a friend who's got a kid close to my eldest kid's age... Short hair, fit, sort of casually masculine but still obviously a woman.. Yeah, she's super hot.

I have no idea what this means in therms of my orientation, though.. Am I bisexual (again)? Am I pan? Am I simply queer, and fuck all the other lables..? I don't know.. 

Also, there's a "part 2" to this post, so keep reading.