Teaching from the bottom

I just did a fairly detailed writeup of the sexual stuff Might and I have been up to this past week. However, the sex isn't what I keep returning to, when I think about him and our time together. It's the kink. Not really the kink NOW, although that's pretty darn sweet as well. I dream about the kink to come. 

He's a switch, but just like me these past 20 years he's much more comfortable on the top. He struggles to stay present in his own body, not get overwhelmed or simply dissociate, when he's the bottom. Being on top, however, is obviously giving him a lot of pleasure by proxy. He loves seeing my reactions, hearing my breath, feeling me squirm. I can tell it turns him on a lot. He also gets a kick out of the power. The idea of controlling me, holding me down "against my will". For example, fucking me in doggy style was ok.. Fucking me in doggy style, while my arms were "forced" up behind my back.. That really turned him on.

For now, we're only lightly playing with the illusion of control. I'm throwing control at him, almost like I did with Novice a few times, and he does what I want him to do. He takes my direction and suggestions, letting me "top from the bottom". However, as opposed to Novice, I can tell that he's really getting off on the power itself. 

It's a balancing act; Teaching, and trying to relax and enjoy at the same time. I would prefer if I didn't have to do it like that. I want to truly yield and let him direct and pace the session, but that isn't possible quite yet. He needs to learn some basic skills first, familiarize himself with my body and responses, and grow more confident in his own judgement. Those things don't happen overnight, but considering the really steep learning curve he's on, it might be sooner than expected. 

I say I want to yield and let him direct everything, and that is true. However, I don't know if I'd be able to do that yet. I haven't been a proper sub for sooo many years, so going down into sub mode and actually staying there doesn't come easy for me. I'm more like a bobber, even when I'm pulled into the deep I quickly float back up again. I both need to trust myself, my body, my responses, but I also have to trust him. Trust that he knows what he's doing... Which, frankly, I don't. Not yet. I trust his intentions though, and it's getting easier to let myself go in his arms. For now, I haven't really been in a submissive mind-state for more than a few seconds at a time, but those seconds have been amazing. Making it very clear to me that I want more. 

Today, I started teaching him some shibari techniques. He's used to handling rope, but not tying people like this. During our last exercise, I experienced a few moments in rope space. I've only seen that happen to others, never felt it myself. It was just as wonderfully peaceful as it's always seemed. For over an hour after being untied, I felt calm, lethargic, almost as if I was on some sort of drug. I absolutely want more of that too. 

The last big technique thing I want him to learn is impact. I really, really want him to hurt me. I tried teaching Arthur, and although he did give me some spanking, it wasn't even close to enough. I want to be pushed, forced, into taking more pain than I think I can handle. I want to try to escape, and whimper, and when there's no other way out I want to cry. I haven't been pushed to breaking in a kink setting for years, and I miss it. (I've never thought of myself as a masochist, I don't get off on the pain itself. I get off on the giving and taking of control, and I get off on being given intense bodily sensations. Pain is just a very efficient way to get both those things.) 

I think he'll be freaked out as fuck in the beginning, just like Arthur was. The idea of hitting someone, of purposefully giving pain, is difficult to wrap your mind around. However, once he grasps how much I'm into it, I think he'll love it. He's already getting off on the power of pleasure, I'm guessing he'll enjoy the power of pain as well. At least I hope so.