Touched, seen, anointed

Back in October, I wrote about being scared after my top-surgery. I didn't have any regrets, and I still don't, but I wrote:

"I'm afraid.

Not for me. I know I wanted it. But I'm afraid this makes me undesirable. Unlovable. That I really am what the terfs call us: Mutilated. Disgusting."

I desperately wanted Novice to acknowledge the new me. To tell me that she still found me beautiful, scars and all. To touch my newly formed torso, and through that touch show that she accepted and wanted me still. To see me. 

Unfortunately, she mostly didn't. As far as I can recall, she never gave me a compliment on anything visual. Neither before nor after the surgery. She never called me sexy, or beautiful, or handsome. However, after the surgery she also touched me a lot less. The effortless physical touch that I relished in the beginning of our relationship, disappeared more and more.

If the person I loved, suddenly had big scars across their body, I would work really hard to convince them that I still found them beautiful, desirable. That their scars didn't scare me, or turn me off. That the scars were a part of them, and because I loved them, I also loved the scars. I would never want them to doubt my love and devotion. 

The fact that she didn't do anything like that (or at least didn't seem to), hurt me. Not just because I felt unloved, but because I didn't get the support I needed to deal with the trauma of amputating two body parts. The trauma of permanently and drastically changing my body. I grew even more afraid that this made me undesirable, unlovable, and she wasn't able to help me deal with that fear.

Now, I didn't know, before the surgery, that I would need such support. If I'd known, I probably would have delt with it differently. She was struggling enough on her own, so putting that additional weight on her was perhaps unfair. On the other hand: Shouldn't touching and appreciating your partner's body be a given in a relationship? Is it really so unfair of me, to have needed that from her? 

I also wrote: 

"What you don't touch, don't acknowledge, doesn't really exist in your eyes. It's something disgusting, shameful, something to be hidden away, ignored. It certainly isn't worthy of love."

Everything in this blog post so far, has been written to give context for what happened yesterday and today: Might called me sexy (when I was wearing a collar with him for the first time).
Might said he enjoyed watching my naked body (as I was heating up some food for us in the kitchen).
Might touched my chest, stroking along the scars, again and again and again, as we were cuddling on the couch. (And it's not the first time he's touched me like that.)

Now Might isn't among the most verbally gifted people I've met. Just like Novice, he's got a mind more bent towards math than language. Also, giving and receiving compliments isn't something he's practiced at, nor particularly comfortable with. However, that makes the things he says even more meaningful. There's no strategy there, no manipulation, no dishonesty that I've been able to find.

I still can't believe him, though. This idea I have, that it's impossible to find my body attractive post transition, is soooo heavily ingrained. Novice reaction after my surgery didn't make it better, but most of the blame is on me. Because I'm fairly certain I'm projecting here; I have some internalized transphobia, believing that transmasculine bodies are less good, less real, less valid, less desirable, than cis men's bodies. That anyone touching me, looking at me, would much rather have a "real" man or a "real" woman. That I'm something they're willing to settle on, because they don't have better options readily available. Internalized transphobia, or perhaps just good old regular dysphoria. Or perhaps both.

I know intellectually that this is bullshit, but as Novice would say: "My emotions dug me into this hole, so I can't intellectualize my way out of it."

I know I need to work on my internalized self-hatred. It's not healthy for me, and it's no one else's fault or responsibility. However, I also know that what Might does is helping. Even though I'm not able to believe him NOW, I think I might believe him some day in the future. Because when he touches me, I feel accepted. Anointed. Seen. 

I wasn't really aware how much I've wanted that. How much I needed that.

Thank you.