Like I previously mentioned, I've met Might in three different social circles. So we obviously have a fair bit in common. However, I can't help but compare him to Novice. She and I bonded over books, especially our love for Wheel of Time and anything Brandon Sanderson. True, she read only two books in the 1,5 years we were together, but loving literature / being a book nerd was still a large part of her identity.
Might has dyslexia, and doesn't have books or reading fiction as an important part of his identity.
He also doesn't have her incredible, academically oriented mind. She would astound me again and again, whether it was math problems, board game tactics, memory, or just her general knowledge of the world. I felt like her intellectual inferior in so many ways. That was very challenging and uncomfortable, but it was also very rewarding. To some extent, I'm sapiosexual. Her brainpower is really, really sexy.
He's also 8,5 years my junior, and with very, very little experience. He's had only had sex a handful of times, both partners were penis-havers, and neither seems to have cared that much for his pleasure or emotional/mental well-being. He's never been in a romantic relationship at all, long term or otherwise. He's got a long standing interest in BDSM, but at the same time calls himself asexual. (Yes, another person on the ace spectrum. Remember how I said I should be really careful if I ever were to do that again? And then wasn't.)
Of course he also has a history of severe mental illness, but in THAT regard I think he's actually slightly better off that Novice was when I first got to know her. Because he's in regular treatment, is looking at a possible ADHD diagnosis (meaning meds that could help), and isn't currently burning himself out in a full time job. However, I didn't really understand how sick Novice was in the beginning either.. So I'm guessing there's more going on that I'm not privy to.
Can you tell that I'm mostly focusing on the negatives here? I think it's because I've felt my mind latching onto him, and I'm full of doubt. Really unsure if this is actually a good idea at all. Probably going to do it anyway, though..
I don't think I can fight this. I realized lately that I'm demi-sexual, but our connection is already more than strong enough. Getting turned on with him, having orgasms, enjoying sex.. That's really not an issue. I want him!
I'm so fucking worried though..
Is this just a rebound?
Or am I so desperately to be desired, loved, or even just liked, that I've latched onto anyone who seems to want me?
Am I just a desperate sub in frenzy, willing to go along with anyone who'll let me experience more?
Am I using him, for my own physical pleasure's sake? Or just to be less touch starved?
Am I taking advantage of a younger, much more inexperienced, fairly insecure guy? Am I just being a creepy, older, experienced dude, like I've seen so many examples of in the kink community? (At least he isn't a blond 19 year old woman.. And I'm not 50. There's that.)
What if I don't fall for him properly, but he falls in love with me?
What if I fall completely head over heels in love with him, like I so often do with people I get hooked on? What if he doesn't feel the same way?
What if he's so mentally ill, so disconnected from his own emotions, that he wouldn't recognize love if it hit him upon the head?
What if he's so inexperienced with relationships, combined with being mentally ill, making him even worse at communicating than Novice? Even worse at dealing with stress and disagreements? Even less able to work on new communication styles and their own insecure attachment?
What if he's so mentally disconnected, he never lets me in? Into his head, into his heart... What if there will always be some sort of divide there.
What if his asexuality becomes a bigger problem than Cord and Novice being demi and dysphoric? That we start out good, and then end up never having sex, just like so many of my previous relationships?
What if we start out switching, and then end up with both only wanting to submit?
Am I really just setting myself up for another heart break? This first uncertain phase is so incredibly exhausting, what if there's no stable relationship in the other end? Is it even worth it, just to try?
What if, what if, what if..
What if it all just works?
Damn, I want this to work.
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