As an autistic person, I have a need for control and predictability. The more tired or stressed I am, the larger this need grows and the more rigid I become. I remember when I first became a parent and went on practically no sleep, that I would get extremely stressed out if things weren't exactly so.
After a long day, going to Might's place, being there around 7pm at the earliest, I'm tired. I need to know that there is food in the house that I want to eat, that I have the beverage and snack that I left there last time etc. I told him this pretty early on, and he's been good with simply leaving my stuff alone. So that works out well.
However, on four occasions we've made plans for him to do some shopping before I arrive. It's simply more practical than me having to do the shopping really late, arriving even later and more tired. However, on all of those occasions, he's not actually gotten all the things we talked about him buying... Nor has he let me know that he didn't get them. Three times he's bought the wrong product, not reading closely enough on the label (despite a detailed shopping list, and on one of those occasions I even sent him a picture to make sure). Once he got home without having bought what we agreed at all. And didn't tell me.
I've begun to expect this level of inconsistency from him, so I'm asking a lot more follow-up questions now: Did you buy X thing (not just "did you get everything", because he'll say yes, and then I'll discover later that he actually didn't). Which brand and type of X thing was it? Great. Did you buy Y thing as well? However, it feels infantalizing. Like I need to micro-manage him, like I don't trust him. Which is fair, he's shown he can't be trusted in this regard. It still feels wrong to do this to an adult man. The relationship doesn't feel like one of equals.
If he'd told me when I didn't find a certain item, or called me from the store to check with me that he'd understood correctly, I wouldn't be this stressed out. However, he doesn't do that. He leaves the store, and don't think about having to notify me about anything. Apparently, this has been a problem for him in his professional life as well; That he doesn't let others know when he's fallen short somehow. I call it an anxiety response. I say he's being afraid to admit weakness or fault, choosing the most immediate route away from that discomfort by completely shutting it out of his mind. Thereby "forgetting" to let people know. I don't think he does this on purpose at all, I think it's an unconscious anxiety response. However, he's completely denying being anxious or afraid of anything. So fuck if I know.
Now he's done it again. This time it's a lot more serious than just getting the wrong item at the grocery store. Like I just wrote about, we have scabies. On Wednesday, we all started treatment. That treatment needs to be on for 24 hours, before being washed off. He knows this. He still washed it off after 18-19 hours, because he was going to a place without a proper shower and it seemed more practical to him. That's 5-6 hours too short, meaning we can't be certain that the treatment has had effect on him.
This means he could still be contagious. It means he could still be contaminating his surroundings. His apartment should be safe, because he isn't there for many days now. But untreated, he can't go back there. I can't go back to being intimate with him, or to kink with him. He needs to be treated properly to be safe. Watch me be completely, 100% rigid about this. I am NOT exposing my family for this shit again. We're taking EVERY precaution now, to avoid having to go through another round.
The worst part, again, is that Might didn't tell me he'd removed the treatment many hours too early. The reason I found out was because I asked. Because I wasn't absolutely certain that he could follow the recommendations. I was right to be skeptical, and I fucking hate that I was right.
I'm so angry that he couldn't follow even such simple instructions. I'm so angry that I can't trust him to think things through, or to ask if he's got questions. I'm so angry that I now will have to micro-manage him even more, to be able to be around him at all. I can't trust him. I WANT to trust him. Fuck!
Everyone messes up occasionally, and that I can forgive. He doesn't purposefully or maliciously try to hurt me. I trust that he doesn't actually want to cause harm. How many times, and how serious offences, can I forgive though?
I understand why Novice says she might not forgive me. I still think my offence was less serious than this, but if this is how she feels, I get it. How can I be with someone if I can't trust them?
I hope Might and I get through the plans we have next weekend (B is also coming to town, sleeping on his couch). Safely. After that, hopefully we can try to find some sort of balance. Set down some ground rules. Rebuild.
If we can.
If he can.
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