When Novice and I met on Sunday, we agreed that we enjoy each other's company and want to remain in each other's lives. We don't want to enter into any sort of romantic or sexual relationship again, at least not for a long time. However, we care about each other and don't want to lose what we still have.
I still struggle not just to assume that I'm imposing on her. I spent so many months basically feeling unwanted by her, after all. However, she does little things now that help silence that fearful voice in my head. Like reaching out to me, looking at me. Telling me, with words, that this is what she wants. I still trust her, to a large degree. Even though I'm also a bit emotionally.. skittish.
When I was about to step onto the bus to leave on Sunday, we hugged for the first time since I moved out. That hug seemed to trigger something in her. Some need for connection, emotional intimacy, safety. So last night we met again. We ended up spending almost 12 hours together, I got home at 6am in the morning.
We talked, we smiled, we played a round of a board game we love, and we cuddled. A lot. Wrapping around each other on the couch, arms and legs intertwined. She cried in my arms, feeling both vulnerable and safe with me. (I wish I was able to cry too, I felt the need to. The testosterone makes those things a lot harder, so I couldn't.) She told me she loved me, both with nonverbal signals and with actual words. Repeatedly and freely. That surprised me, I didn't think she still did. I love her too, and told her as much.
We had a theoretical discussion (on how trans people talk about their own gender in the past), that went really well. We didn't agree, but we were respectful and communicated really well throughout. We couldn't have done that a year ago, I think. I've grown so much during this relationship. She's made me a lot less selfish, more willing to put my own immediate needs on hold for the people I care about. More willing to listen.
We spoke of our past, present and future. Of the things that went really, really badly in our relationship, and the things that went really well. We recognize that interacting like we do now, with emotional intimacy and physical proximity, is risky. It's a slippery slope, because we're constantly being reminded of how good we were together. I wrote about this already back when we broke up, that I must try to avoid drowning in the dream of us. I felt the instinctual need to kiss her several times last night, but I stopped myself. That would be crossing some sort of boundary, and she's verbally very clear on what side of that boundary she wants us to be on. (Although her body language and other non-verbal cues aren't as clear, frankly. So I think she's feeling these things too.)
Despite the emotional vulnerability, the physical proximity, the cuddling, the obvious and instant connection I feel when I'm with her like this.. I don't feel like I'm falling for her again. I can't fall. I already love her. However, it's a different kind of love. The fact that I'm hooked on Might, crushing on Might, acts as a sort of.. Safety cushion. The limerence, the all-encompassing obsession I feel for someone I'm in love with, isn't there with Novice anymore. She described it as allowing ourselves to be warmed by the residual heat of the coals. Which is an apt metaphor.
It IS risky, though. I can see this slipping back into that obsessive limerence again, if we were to see a lot of each other in a short amount of time. I can also see us going out of bounds if we're for example drunk. However, she's busy on her end and I've also got other stuff to do. I've got work, and Might, and a family. By NOT prioritizing each other that much, I think we can perform this balancing act. There's so much good that we want to keep, so much we love about each other and our friendship as it stand now. Throwing that out completely, going back to zero, isn't something we want either.
So we keep balancing.
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