Novice and I spent almost 12 hours together last night, and we talked about A LOT of things during that time. I struggle to make any sort of coherent narrative of those topics, but many of them were important to remember. I want to make a record her, so I can refer back to these things later, and so I can return and ponder them. So I'm just writing these out as unconnected paragraphs, because that's better than nothing:
What I've done for her:
She told me how much I'd meant for her, how much of a positive impact I'd made in her life. She now claims there's about a 50/50 chance she wouldn't have survived, if I hadn't helped her get hrt. She also said that I'd helped her grow emotionally, helped her deal with the growing emotional range that egg crack and estrogen gave her. It seemed very important to her that I believe her.
I struggled even hearing this. I was really tired, and could feel myself dissociating while she was talking. It was so fucking hard to hear these things NOW, when I so longed to hear them while we were together. We spoke of these things several times back then, and the conclusion was always the opposite: That I've provided useful information on occation, sure, but that she would have managed just fine on her own. That I hadn't really made any significant impact, that she never really needed me.
I've written about all the ways she didn't need me, before. I know she read that, and never voiced any protests. So this entire topic surprised me a lot, and honestly I struggle to believe it. It goes so much against what she's said before. She claimed she didn't understand what I wanted then, but that's the point: If you fish for reassurance, and receive it, it isn't worth much. For example, being told you're beautiful is always nice (and obviously preferable to being told you're ugly), but if you asked what they thought first, it's worth 10% or less of the unprompted compliment. If you even find the prompted one believable at all.
So I struggle to believe her now, when she's said polar opposite things several times before. On the other hand, I know she doesn't lie to me. Not on purpose, anyway.
Hiding sides of herself:
That's another thing we talked about: How there are sides of herself that she hides. From me, and from herself. Things she's afraid of, ashamed of, or that in other ways makes her uncomfortable. To some degree, I think we all do that. However, from what I can gather, there's more to her particular brand of this... If someone makes a guess at my mood, feelings or thoughts, and they're wrong.. I'll let them know. I'll share what I'm feeling, to help them get to know me better. At least if there's any degree of trust there.
It seems, from what she's now told me, that she often don't let me know when I guess wrong. She in stead lets me assume I'm right, she doesn't say or indicate anything to the contrary. Leaving me to therefore make decisions on the basis of faulty information. Information she knows is faulty. That feels like lying, to me. After all, if person A says "I think you feel X, and therefore I will now do THIS based upon that"... And person B knows that what they're feeling is Y, and doesn't correct A's assumption.. Isn't that at least lying by omission?
She claims this process is at least partially subconscious. That she doesn't consciously know that I'm wrong a lot of the time, hiding these thoughts and emotions from herself as much as from me. So I can't really hold it against her. But even if it's not conscious in the moment, she has sometimes realized it afterwards right? So there's some degree of awareness there. She could have told me then, maybe? I don't know, it just feels... Off. Somehow.
It bugs me, it makes me slightly apprehensive, but in the grand scale of things it doesn't really matter. I still care about her deeply and want to spend time with her. I accept this about her, even though I don't particularly enjoy it. Like I've said time and time again: She's worth it.
Internalized homophobia:
We talked about how I doubt that she was ever physically attracted to me. That she's never shown any sign of being attracted to anyone who weren't a woman or at least vaguely female presenting. I've claimed that she's really sapphic, that my growing masculinization was part of what made her distance herself from me. We've spoken about this before, and she's always told me I'm wrong. Claimed she's pan-romantic, so genders doesn't matter. Explaining that she doesn't feel aesthetic attraction like most people seem to do, which is why I've never seen any sign of her feeling attraction towards men.
However, yesterday something seemed to click: She was more open to actually considering my words this time, feeling her feelings. Not just being defensive and denying it all. And she made a discovery: A lot of it is probably internalized transphobia (of the brand: "she can't really be trans, she's REALLY a man") combined with internalized homophobia (like: "men aren't supposed to feel attracted to other men, that's wrong").
So she's terrified. Of course she is. She's a woman, and she's always wanted, needed, to be seen as a woman. Treated like a woman. Not just socially, but sexually: She wants to be seduced, she wants to be the bottom, the receiving partner. She wants be penetrated. When you grow up thinking you're a boy, OF COURSE those needs must have triggered some internalized homophobia. I've written so many blog post here, going over the same stuff with regards to myself and my attraction towards women.
However, she isn't into men in a gay way. She isn't a homosexual man. She can't be, she's a woman. She's more into men in a straight way, I think. At least to the degree that someone as queer as her can do anything in a straight way.
We didn't finish talking about this, because it freaked her out so much. So I didn't get to wonder if some of it also internalized transphobia of the brand that she thinks she isn't a "real" woman? Not "as good as" cis women. Maybe she didn't feel she was "allowed" to feel attracted to predominantly straight men, that this would be overstepping somehow? (To be clear, I don't believe this. She is a real woman, and she is just as good as cis women. Honestly, in my eyes she's better. Of course straight men might be attracted to her, that's not overstepping at all.)
The reason I'm writing this, is because I've thought these things about myself. I still do, to a large degree. I'm read as a man now, mostly. However, I'm nonbinary, not a "real man". Even if I were a binary trans man, I still wouldn't be a "real man". I recognize this for the bullshit transphobia that it is, but that doesn't make the feelings any less real. So it's possible she feels similar things. If she's able to feel those feeling at all, that is.
The sudden change of behavior after the break-up:
I also tried to make sense of the sudden shift in her when she dumped me. How she went from not being able to touch me, look at me, barely even speak to me.. To being right back to the loving, tactile, engaging partner she'd been at the beginning.
She tried to explain it by using a box metaphor: The box of "relationship" contained so much stuff that muddied it. She knew she wasn't able to fill my needs, she didn't feel she deserved me, she was afraid of the future, afraid of failing me, felt inadequate, felt strangled by me, and so many other things. By emptying that box on its head and throwing the box itself out, she also got rid of all that mud.
We're now in a "friends or something" box, which isn't the same box. So even though this box contain many of the same things.... We trust each other, love each other, cuddle, cry, hug, play board games, talk, laugh, discuss.. The mud isn't there. She says the main thing was not being responsible for my well-being anymore. Meeting my needs aren't her responsibility, she doesn't have to feel so inadequate.
To me, it doesn't really make sense.. Maybe I'm too much of a relationship anarchist, but to me there's very little difference between a really good, non-sexual, romantic relationship... And whatever "friendship" we have now. I mean, this box contain the same things, after all. This love is NOT how I feel about my friends. If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck..
No, I don't want to go back to having her as a full time partner either. Not now. It wasn't good for either of us. However, that doesn't mean that this isn't also a sort of romantic relationship, in my eyes. We've just thrown away the relationship escalator all together. We're letting it be whatever it can be, in stead of forcing it into a mold which isn't work. That's how I feel, at least.
Gah, I don't know. If this box analogy makes sense to her, I'm glad for her. That's better than both of us being confused. And I'm glad she wants us to remain "friends or whatever this is". She's important to me, I think we can be good for one another, and I don't want to lose her altogether. To quote myself from just before we broke up: "I want every part of her that she will give me, and I want to be with her for as long as she'll let me."
I'm glad she at least tried to offer some sort of explanation. Maybe this will be a seed that enables me to make more sense of her sometime in the future. For now, I'll just have to conclude that women work in mysterious ways. People like me should just feel blessed to be honored by their company.
And I do. I really do.
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