I think it's all connected to Arthur's mental health. He's not as sick anymore. Even scarred from covid-19 and a recent bout of depression, and with lots of suppressed shit, he's still SO much better than he was when I first got to know him! And even when I compare it only to 2017, he's come such a long way! He claims that it's just because he knows me better now, and trusts me more... And I'm sure that's part of the explanation, but it doesn't explain it all. Because he wasn't CAPABLE of trusting me before. Not like this. And with him relaxing more, trusting more, I didn't have to be on such a high alert all the time either. So I could relax more, trust even more, and focus on just enjoying the ride.
I have a lot of body issues, and I also struggle with accepting pleasure from others. It makes me feel selfish and guilty, as if I'm only worth something when I'm useful. When I perform. Whenever I'm intimate with someone, 98% of the time they get played with. Of course, I enjoy being a top, but that's not all of it. Even with long term partners, having them pet me, go down on me or fingering me can be difficult for me. Because I still feel like I have to perform..As though I'm not good enough, if I don't enjoy exactly what they're doing. So I struggle to relax and just be touched by others, to give myself over to whatever sensations there are and react in whatever way comes natural. And by over-thinking it, stressing about not enjoying things "properly", of course I actually enjoy things less and get less turned on. It's a vicious circle.
Being a strict top, being the only one actively doing anything, makes it a lot easier for me to be intimate with someone. However, it also makes the physical pleasure a one-way street. Now, don't get me wrong: I love giving others pleasure, and watching them enjoy themselves. But being the active party also takes a lot of focus and energy. Most of the time, I can't just be in the moment, going with the flow. As a top, I'm always analyzing, planning my next moves, reading their signals, and trying to get the timing and pacing right so the other party gets the best possible experience. I can play that role really well, and find enjoyment in it, but when my spoons are few I struggle to find any space to allow my own pleasure.
Playing the bottom to Arthur's top makes it both easier and harder for me to receive pleasure. Harder because he's so full of initiative, touching me and doing things to be constantly. I struggle against a lot of feelings of guilt, feeling selfish and like I'm taking advantage of him. But at the same time it's easier, because he's so full of initiative, touching me and doing things to be constantly. I can just lay there and enjoy it, and his every word, every action, is telling me (again, and again) that he really loves what he's doing.
I say "bottom", not "sub", because I'm not at a point where I can truly surrender control for more than an instant here and there. We played a bit with that today, at it's intense and hot, but also really scary and unsettling. I needed several time outs, as it just got too much to handle. Its something I want to explore further, but with all my control issues, it's got to be in very, very small increments.
Now I'm not saying that tops/doms are just bottoms/subs with control issues. That's a myth and it's completely untrue for most tops/doms. What I'm saying is that I'm a switch. A switch who got really, really badly damaged by a dominant, aggressive boyfriend (naming him X) 15 years ago, and who's struggled to really let go of controll ever since. I've since explored my top/dom side thoroughly, but I haven't dared to let my bottom/sub side out to play.
Arthur is better now. He's more present, more trusting, and I don't have to use every ounce of my mental energy to lure him out of his shell. Being with him today felt easy, almost effortless. I could feel and act and experience. It felt natural. We fit. Our desires, our bodies, our minds. We fit. And whilst I couldn't surrender all control, I could at least yield enough to truly enjoy his touch. That felt glorious, like a benediction of sorts.
And when we finally let him come, after a couple of wonderful hours of play, he didn't grow distant and cold. He didn't pull back from me. Not only did he remain physically touching me, but he remained emotionally open to me. Interested. I didn't feel rejected, like I have every other time. I kept bracing for impact, expecting him to close off, and he didn't.
And so I didn't drop. I didn't cry in the car on my way home. I didn't spend the entire afternoon feeling raw and vulnerable. I didn't write, delete, cry, and rewrite these blog post. Most likely, I won't wake up tomorrow, feeling dazed and tired.
In stead I just feel really, really happy. Energized. Like I want to smile to the whole world, and give everyone a hug. I feel awakened, as though from a slumber, clear eyed and bright.
I braced, but there was no impact. There was no drop. That, too, feels like a benediction of sorts. A blessing.
I hope we can meet again sometime soon. Maybe in spring?
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