Angsty glitter

Fourth date with Cord this weekend, and our first sleepover. We spent about 34 hours together in total. In that time, we talked a lot, cuddled a lot, had some (really nice) sex, made dinners together, showered together, and watched a few episodes of a tv-series.

Among other things, we talked about us and where that "us" is headed. When I started flirting with him, I thought I wanted just casual fun... However, it quickly became obvious to me that my feelings for Cord went a lot deeper than that. Not only am I in love with him, I've started to love him. That's a big deal, I haven't said those words to anyone (other than Saint, of course) for many years. I've told Cord how I feel, and he says he's feeling the same way about me.

On the other hand, this isn't just fun and games. We're both struggling with childhood trauma, anxiety, low self-esteem and gender dysphoria. I also need to keep paying attention to the other people in my life (Saint and our two kids), not getting completely swept up by the NRE. I love them too, after all. 

Also, Cord and I haven't spent THAT much time together yet, so we occasionally misunderstand each other's signals. That can also cause friction. Another aspect of this is that we both struggle to believe and trust in what the other person is saying. For example, I know that I love him, want to keep seeing him, want to be his boyfriend. He SAYS the same words to me, but I struggle to believe them. Just like he struggles to believe me. That's angst getting in the way for us, and while it's annoying, at least we both (sort of) know how it works. 

However, despite all those hurdles in our way, I still feel really happy. Bubbly. I love him, it seems to be reciprocated, and we intend to see each other again. This means that all those scared, scarred parts of us, don't seem as scary after all. As if they're covered in the same bubbly, warm, happy glitter that surrounds everything else these days. That's love. That glitter is love. (I'm so gay. Hahaha.) With love, I have the courage and the motivation to face all the difficult parts. I just really hope he still feels the same way.