Chest dysphoria

Yesterday I tried Transtape. It failed, since it made me more titty than I am without anything. So I removed it after about a day, using plenty of oil and time.. But even so, the skin on my chest was really red and irritated. So I decided to put some lotion on it, to try and soothe it and speed up the healing process. 

So to summarize: I'd spent about a day looking MORE titty than I usually am, about and hour slathering my chest with oil, and then after showering I rubbed it with skin lotion. That's a lot of thinking about, and touching, my chest in one day.

Finally done, it felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin, cry in a the corner of a dark room, or jump in a vulcano. I also had an irrational urge to cut my breasts off.

I finally managed to distract myself, thinking I was over it.. But today, my instinct was to put on a binder that I know is too small for me, as a way to punish myself / my body / my boobs.

I managed to resist / compromise with that urge, and am now wearing a racerback gc2b binder. It's got the least amount of coverage, as I want my (still fairly sore) skin to breathe. It feels about half a size smaller than my regular binder, but since loosing weight it shouldn't be actually harmful to wear. Just slightly more uncomfortable / restrictive than my regular ones.

What confuses me is that I've never felt really dysphoric about my breasts in private before. I've felt dysphoric about the way that my body shape makes people perceive me as a woman, but that dysphoria is dependent upon being seen by others. Alone is very different.

I've also had this idea in my head that what I wanted from medical transition was a body with mixed secondary sexual characteristics.. Specifically boobs AND chest hair, dark voice and beard. I thought it would be genderbendy and interesting. Now, I'm not so sure.. And that feels like another gender crisis. Like I'm not sure where I want to go now.

I also am not able to see myself, or even dream of myself, with the body of a man. Face yes, arms and lower legs yes, just not body. The very thought scares me. But I don't know if that means there's so much dysphoria / dissociation that I'm not able to access that part of my mind... Or if I'm just really not trans, and am brainwashing myself.

No, that's not true. I know I'm trans. I just get these doubts anyway. Brainweasels. 

It's just.. I HAVEN'T known since I was a kid, or even a teenager. I haven't always felt like a man inside. I haven't consciously longed for transition. It's all been under the surface, in the subconscious, making it a lot harder to pin down.. And that makes it a lot easier for doubt to creep in too.

My process has been so quick compared to most other people. I only had 5 months and 9 days from egg crack to starting testosterone. It feels RIGHT, it feels really good. I just worry because I don't have those "I always knew I was a man, ever since I was 7" kind of memories / arguments.

And I worry because my dysphoria is obviously developing and getting worse, which hurts and I hate it. And I worry that the dysphoria will push me to transition faster / further than I otherwise would have.. Though of course, that's much of the reason for transitioning: To get away from the dysphoria. 

It's a paradox.. To BOTH write about crippling dysphoria AND doubting whether I'm trans, in the same moment... *shakes head* My mind is just being a jerk.