I'm in this weird in-between-stage now. I think just over 50% of those I encounter in my day-to-day life see me as a man, but there's still a significant minority who gender me as a woman. So I can never know, when I walk into a pharmacy or a clothing store or a public office of some kind, which gender I'm viewed as, or if they clock me as trans or not.
I have no idea what THEY know, or think they know, about me. Does a woman who sees me instinctively know that I know what period cramps feel like? Does a man who see me assume that I know how it feels to grow up as a boy? Does a trans person know I'm one of them, if I don't say it?
I've become so used to the "us women" kind of mentality. I've lived through #metoo, I've grown up as a "good girl", I've shared memes along the lines of "we are the daughters of the witches you couldn't burn". I've always used that common ground as a way to build trust with other women. Now that's gone. All of a sudden, women I don't know keep me at an emotional arm's length. Even when I told my client (in a job meeting) that I was trans and used to live as a woman, that emotional distance was still there. Appearance, instincts, matter more than intellectual knowledge apparently.
That experience is both really affirming, because it means I wasn't seen as a woman.. But it's also.. Bittersweet. I'm loosing a social interaction tool that I've been pretty reliant upon. I need to find other tools, other ways to connect with people and build trust. Especially with women. I wasn't prepared for that. I guess I should have been, it was bound to happen... But I wasn't.
Oh well, it's all part of the change. The transition.
I welcome the challenge.
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