Stating your preference

Communication is hard. 

Communication both means expressing a message, AND ensuring that the message that is being understood is vaguely similar to what you wanted to communicate. So many things can create "noise", from either the sender or the receiver side of things, and thereby warping the message. That's how misunderstandings occur. 

Elle and I are misunderstanding each other these days. It's neither's fault, it just happens, but it something we really need to work on. From my end, I have very, very long experience with being rejected and feeling unwanted. So I try not to ask, because rejection hurts so much. In stead, I try to interpret body signals, looks, and other non-verbal cues. If I get the impression that she isn't into something, I often won't pursue it, rather than pushing and being rejected.

However, she also struggles with asking for what she wants. She even struggles with stating what she wants in a way that communicated how much she wants it. I don't think she even allows herself to really feel how much she wants things. If you really want something, it matters more. And rejection, or simply lacking what you desire, hurts more, too. This is also a form of rejection sensitivity, very similar to my own. 

When I ask what she's into, and get lukewarm responses.. When I ask her what she would like to experience at a party we're going to in a few days, or how she'd like us to spend our time together that evening, and all I get are shoulder shrugs and "meh"... That's not enthusiastic consent, in my eyes. "But!", you might interject, "you can't consent to anything if you aren't presented with options to say yes or no to!". Which is true.... I just struggle with even presenting those options, if someone's demeanor is "meh" to begin with. 

The fact that she's so much of a people-pleaser makes it even more difficult, because I don't want to put her in a position where she feels like she's disappointing me. It's very uncomfortable being the person doing the rejecting, too. I hate the idea of making her uncomfortable or guilting her into going along with me. I love her so much, so her feelings and opinions matter a lot to me. She told me last night: "I already struggle with saying what I want, I will never ask for things I don't desire." Which I can understand, intellectually... I just can't wrap my head around it emotionally. I'm unable to really trust her word, when I suspect some other underlying cause or motive. 

This is also coupled with my fear of being selfish. I feel undeserving. The last three times we've had sex, she's told me to "use her" and "take what I want". Which is hot, and ought to make me feel good, but it really feels like a trap. It doesn't feel like free reign to ACTUALLY do what I want, because I have no idea going into that situation what SHE really wants. And I want to please her, to give her pleasure, to make her feel good. To make US feel good. And I need to feel wanted. Her lying passively on her back and letting me "use her" doesn't really do it for me, if I can't be absolutely certain it's something she gets pleasure from. 

That situation feels more like "I don't really feel like sex, but I guess I can lie her while you do your thing... Just get it over with". And when I'm horny enough, I'll take it. Because I'm fucking desperate. But it doesn't make me feel good, afterwards. On the contrary, it makes me feel guilty of taking advantage of her. Using her body for my own pleasure, with very little thought to her's. 

The only solution to this, is for both of us to try to be more vulnerable with each other. Trust each other. However, just saying "well, you'll just both have to say what you want", isn't as simple as it sounds. Being vulnerable is scary, and it opens us up for more rejection. Even though she tells me what she wants, I won't always be able to fulfill her desires.. And even though I tell her I want to have sex with her, doesn't mean she'll always want the same. 

We need to make plans for HOW she can reject me in ways that hurt less.. For example "no, I don't want to have sex right now, but I'd love it if you'd let me hold you while you gave yourself an orgasm". In the same vein, we need to figure out HOW I can suggest, or ask about things in a way that makes her able to express degrees of desire. And HOW we can ensure that I believe what she says, and don't chalk it up to her being a people-pleaser or feeling coerced. Maybe some sort of scale (1-10 or something) could be useful? I don't know, don't have all the answers yet. 

I just know that I want to work on this. This rejection sensitivity we're both struggling with, ought to make us uniquely qualified to understand the other person. I think we can work this out. I believe in us. It just takes work.