Undesired

I started this blog originally, because T didn't believe me when I said we hadn't had sex for several months. So I figured I'd document every time we had sex, as a way to prove my claim. That was back in 2007, we'd only been together for about 2,5 years. We worked ok sexually in the first year, but were never really that compatible to begin with. So it quickly faded once we started living together. 

Saint and I worked really well sexually for the first few years, we're very compatible in many ways. However, it started lagging a bit while I was doing IVF treatments in 2014 and 2015. We rekindled the spark in the fall of 2016, when we tried to conceive, but since then our sex life has been minimal. We have the occasional play session, and there's a week or two sometimes when I think we're getting back into things.. But it doesn't last.

Even before T and Saint, I had gotten used to my sex drive being too much for my partners. We'd have a lot of wonderful, fulfilling sex at first, but once the crush became something more serious, our sex life would dwindle. Every guy, when told about this experience, claimed that it wouldn't happen with HIM.. And yet it did, every time. Saint is the one who lasted the longest, but even that eventually disappeared.

It hasn't always been his fault. When I was pregnant and the first few months of nursing, for example, I had very sporadic interest in sex. However, these past three years, I've been very, very into it.. And he hasn't.

This has been a problem all of my life; I've been too horny, had too much of a sex drive, been too needy.. Then I started testosterone. That has in no way, shape or form made my drive any less. 

I detest being rejected. I already struggle with taking up space, feeling like I deserve attention and love. I very quickly feel like I'm unwanted or in the way. I also detest the idea of being a nag, someone who can't take a hint, who keeps bothering someone when they've clearly showed that they aren't interested. I fervently don't want to be one of THOSE guys, who guilt their partner into having sex with them. Nothing kills sex drive faster than guilt and resentment, after all. 

I just want to be desired. Want to be wanted. 

I don't want anyone to have sex with me, because they feel they SHOULD. I want them to have sex with me, because they WANT to have sex with me. The only common denominator here is me, so the problem has to be with me. Why don't anyone want to KEEP having sex with me?!?