Trails of the egg

Like I mentioned in my previous post, that new guy has read through my entire blog. This is what that post was SUPPOSED to be about, but I got side tracked. So here it is: Old trails, clues, about my gender from many years ago.

In his read-through he's stumbled upon some incredible finds; Basically going on an archaeological dig in my old thoughts, finding trails of the egg. Because the egg was there, definitely. I may not have known I was trans, but when you read back KNOWING that was the outcome.. Well, like petrified footprints from dinosaurs, a lot can be read from those trails. 

He's found three, so far. I've already written about one of them, which I wrote in 2014 after fucking a man in the ass with a strap-on for the first time. In 2014, I wrote: 

"sometimes when I masturbate, I fantasize about having a penis of my own. I image that the things I feel on my clit, is actually felt on the tip of a penis. That the thrusting movements I make with my hips, are thrusting movements inside of somebody. I've kind of done this in real life already, just without the sensation of an actual dick. So I imagine that I'm doing things exactly like when I use a strap-on on Saint, but in stead of a fake cock I dream that it's MY cock. That I'm taking him, controlling him, devouring him, possessing him. Fucking him. Me."

Then there's this one from 2016, about receiving a blow job on the strap-on:  

"It's a silicone dildo... That shouldn't feel good for me. There are no nerve endings there. It makes no sense. And yet... And yet, I get SO turned on by it. And so does he. (...)

In fact, for the rest of that night I wore the strap on harness underneath my dress. Not with the dick in place, but still.. Just the harness turns me on. It makes me feel powerful.

Weird, I know."

Or, as we now know: Not weird at all. Haha!

Looking through old photos, I also found one of me walking in the Oslo Pride parade of 2011 while "crossdressing" (wearing a man's hat, a white shirt, black trousers and a vest). But I though that was the earliest concrete trail there was.. I was wrong. The new guy found this nugget from 2010, and it's pure gold. There's way too much here to quote it all, but here's a few snippets (corrected for spelling errors): 

"Ever since I was a young teenager, I've had a "thing" for men who sexually interact with other men. (...)

for a period of at least three years (it's hard to put dates on these things, so it might have been more), I read almost no short stories with heterosexual couples as the protagonists. I wanted, and diligently searched for, erotic fiction about gay men. And gay men only. The subject could be anything, but as I look back I see that my favorite stories weren't about "gays" in the typical sense of the word. But rather of apparently straight men who ended up having sex with other men and enjoying the experience."

So the transformation, the self-discovery, the broadening of sex- and gender preferences is what interested me. Curious that.......

And then I come out and write it, black on white: 

"Part of it, I think, is the thought everyone had when they were kids: "What if I were the opposite gender for a short period of time? What would it feel like?"

Could it get any clearer?

I also touch up the feeling of shame that I've written SO much about lately. The feeling that probably acted as a protective barrier, keeping any knowledge of my own gender identity away:

"I remember a short moment, in one of the videos, where a man passionatly kisses another man. And again, I felt this thingling inside me. Excitement and curriousity, rolled in with a hint of what I think might be shame. As if I was seeing something forbidden, spying on them. But come on! It was porn! So obviously, I must be responding to something else.

(...)

However, I still think there are reasons here that I haven't uncovered. I don't know what they are. If Freud was here, he'd probably call it penis-envy, but I suspect that's his answer to practically anything. However, the fact remains: Men in affectionate, sexual situations involving other men is fascinating. And bizarely, kissing is more fascinating than a blow job. At least right now.

I find this strange, this fascination. I'd forgotten it even excited, and yet I suspect it's been there for years. I just haven't been aware of it."

It's clear as glass. I was trans in 2010. And in writing that post, I'm referring back to sexual and litterary preferences from when I was around 12. That's 1997. I was trans then. I don't know WHEN the thought "what if I was the opposite gender" actually struck me, I can't remember now. But I obviously remembered this back in 2010, and I wouldn't have written "kid" if I meant back when I was 12. I didn't consider myself a kid when I was 12. So it's probably from even earlier. I was trans then too. 

This post feels EXACTLY like the old post I wrote about BDSM called "I am true".

"in my experience, the most "dedicated" BDSM people and fetishists can trace their interests back. Either to their childhood (age 4-7, typically, and most common for fetishists) or early teens (age 11-14). Incidents where their interest in this subject has made itself clear, long before they knew what any of it was called.  (...)

because I had no indication that my interest in BDSM came from inside of me, I was afraid I wasn't "true". Wasn't "for real". You're probably laughing at me, wanting to tell me that every experience in the last few years points to the opposite. But you can't rationalize this, because it isn't logical."

This post does the same thing, but with being trans. Through that post from 2010, referring to stuff I did and thought when I was 12 or younger, I can trace my "transness" back to my early teens. Back to early puberty. I still don't have definite proof, I don't think I ever will. But it's something to calm my nervous mind when it once again starts angsting about whether I've just made it all up, tricked myself, brainwashed myself. I haven't. I didn't. I was trans then, I just didn't know it yet. And I'm trans now. Undeniably.